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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In
this
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 competitive world where academic achievement is a measure of
success
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success,
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 young people put a lot of stress on their studies. Some suggest that changes should be made to the school curriculum and
subjects
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 like physical education and cookery should be taken off so that students can concentrate on
subjects
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 like science and maths. I oppose
this
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 suggestion for a number of reasons which will be discussed below. First and foremost,
subjects
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 like physical education and cookery hold much more
valuethan
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value than
 just being a subject at school. To illustrate, the famous chefs we know nowadays started cooking or baking at an early age which enabled them to gain much experience to be able to cook professionally by the time they completed their studies.
Additionally
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, the great athletes of all time developed an interest in sports during their school days and were later able to turn that passion
to
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into
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 a successful career.
Therefore
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,
such
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subjectsare
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subjects are
 not useless
instead
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 they add up as a skill which can be turned into a profession.
On the other hand
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, non-academic
subjects
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 are not only beneficial in monetary terms but these
subjects
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 act as life skills and are helpful in daily adult life.
For instance
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, the art of cooking enables a person to become self-dependent and removes the reliability
on
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of
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 fast food as a meal.
While
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,
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apply
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studying physical education helps students learn about their
body
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bodies
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 and the variety of sports they may find interesting.
In addition
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, extracurricular activities like these act as a great escape for students to relax their minds.
As a result
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, they are able to concentrate better on their academic
subjects
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. In conclusion, considering all the aforementioned arguments it is evident all
subjects
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 turn out to be equally valuable to young people. it is my strongest belief that if possible we wish our children to be as stress-free as possible in these academically challenging years

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central topic. While you have connected ideas, some paragraphs seem overloaded and could be more concise.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, use a range of cohesive devices but try to avoid repeating the same ones. Varying your use of linking words can enhance the flow of the essay.
task achievement
It would benefit the essay to include more real-life examples or statistics to solidify the arguments made about the value of non-academic subjects.
task achievement
To strengthen task achievement, ensure you address all parts of the prompt. While you've presented an opposing view to the removal of non-academic subjects effectively, more could be done to explore why some advocate for their removal in the first place.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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