The time people devote to the job leaves very little time for personal life. How widespread is the problem? What problem will this shortage of time cause?

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The contemporary
Correct article usage
Contemporary

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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men and women are spending more
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

at work.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is not restricted to a single society and
prevalent
Add a missing verb
is prevalent

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

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in many nations. The magnitude of
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

prevalence will be discussed in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essays
Fix the agreement mistake
essay

It seems that essays may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

underscoring the reasons for the same. I opine that
major
Correct article usage
a major

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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cause why
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have less
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

is because of the rising cost of living. The cost of essential goods and services is Escalating year by year without
considerable
Add an article
a considerable

The noun phrase considerable increase seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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increase in salaries.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

leads
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply

The indefinite article a may not be required with the plural noun people in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

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numerous
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to work even more harder to keep up with their regular expenses.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
peer pressure is
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

a reason for
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

to have
lesser
Correct word choice
less

There may be an adjective issue here.

show examples
leisure
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, many
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

like to stay abreast of their friends'
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles

It seems that lifestyle may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

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to be accepted into their social circle, which prompts them to
expend
Verb problem
spend

There may be a verb use issue here.

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more hours at work or to take up multiple jobs. The reason why I believe
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

is widespread
because
Add a missing verb
is because

It seems that you are missing a verb. Consider adding it.

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online social platforms,
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

as Facebook,
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are

It seems that the verb is does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

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omnipresent in every income group . There,
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

often post
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

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pictures
about
Change preposition
of

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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their expensive dresses, new cars, and so on ;
as a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it is difficult to escape peer pressure in
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

era of heightened connectivity. With that being said, it has many negative impacts on
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's lives. First of all, it deteriorates
mental-wellbeing
Replace the word
the mental well-being

The word mental-wellbeing doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
of a person. To illustrate, if a professional did not have
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

for his personal amusement and social needs, it would lead to
overall
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

dissatisfaction with life.
As well as
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, it leads to weight and obesity because spending more
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

at
Correct article usage
the workplaces
show examples
workplaces
Fix the agreement mistake
workplace

It seems that workplaces may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

mean
Correct subject-verb agreement
means

It seems that the verb mean does not agree with the subject. Consider changing the verb form.

show examples
sacrificing exercise
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

. It is
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

understandble
Correct your spelling
understandable

If you don’t want understandble to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

that
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

become mentally and physically fatigued after exerting a lot of effort and
time
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

at their occupation.
Consequently
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

makes them
to
Change the verb form
apply

It appears that the verb to prioritize should be in the bare infinitive form. Consider removing to from in front of this verb.

show examples
prioritize less demanding activities, like talking to the family or watching TV, over physical activities. In conclusion, I am not surprised by the workaholism culture in many countries
due to
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

peer pressure and rising inflation
year-after-year
Correct your spelling
year after year

The word year-after-year doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
.
It's
Correct your spelling
Its

The word It's doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
repercussions on the mental and physical health of an individual are
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

well-known. I recommend that
people
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

should maintain
work-life
Add an article
a work-life

The noun phrase work-life balance seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

show examples
balance to foster a sustainable and healthy lifestyle.

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Coherence & Cohesion
Make sure that the essay has a clear logical structure, starting with an introduction that outlines the main points, continues with body paragraphs that support these points with relevant and varied examples, and concludes with a conclusion that summarizes the main ideas and presents a final thought.
Coherence & Cohesion
Develop paragraphs with clear topic sentences and subsequent sentences that expand on these topics in a logical and cohesive manner, avoiding unnecessary repetition or overly general statements. Use a range of cohesive devices appropriately to ensure the smooth flow of ideas.
Task Achievement
Address all parts of the prompt directly and devote at least one paragraph to each sub-question. Ensure that the ideas presented are relevant and supported by specific examples or explanations, rather than being too general or off-topic.
Task Achievement
Engage with the prompt by offering clear, comprehensive responses to each aspect of the task, demonstrating an understanding of the issues and offering specific, illustrative examples to substantiate your points.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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