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Band 3.5

Due to traffic and housing problems in the cities, the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#traffic #cities #government #businesses #move #area
Overall
, the percentage of people visiting the cinema once a month was highest amongst those
age
group
 14 to 24
years
 old and lowest amongst those aged above 50.
In addition
, the figures for the
age
group
 above 50 increased significantly about 10% compared to
other
Change the wording
another age group
other age groups
show examples
age
group
 between the
years
 1978 to 2008,
while
 all other
groups
 with slight differences. From 1988 to 1998, an estimated rose of 20% of people
age
group
 between 25-34, 35-49 and above 50
years
 old visited the cinema once a month.
This
 uptrend lasted 10
years
 and remained constant from 1998 to 2008. Meanwhile, the
age
group
 14-24
years
 old only inclined approximately 5% during 1988-1998. Very similar trends could be seen for all
age
groups
. Beginning an approximate decline of 5% and 20% for
age
groups
 14-24 and 25-34 respectively, and an estimated 10% downtrend for both
age
groups
 35-49 and above 50. All figures continued to rise over after the year 1988 to 2008.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure which makes it difficult to follow and understand. To improve, ensure that your ideas are organized in a logical sequence, with clear paragraphs that each contain one main idea supported by relevant examples.
task achievement
The essay does not address the specific topic of the advantages and disadvantages of businesses moving to rural areas. To score higher, focus on directly answering the question posed and fully developing your response with clear arguments and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are essential parts of the essay but are missing in this response. A clear introduction should set the context and state your position, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion, ensuring a complete argument is made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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