IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Due to traffic and housing problems in the cities, the government encourages businesses to move to the rural area. Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#traffic #cities #government #businesses #move #area
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Overall
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, the percentage of people visiting the cinema once a month was highest amongst those
age
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group
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 14 to 24
years
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 old and lowest amongst those aged above 50.
In addition
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, the figures for the
age
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group
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 above 50 increased significantly about 10% compared to
other
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another age group
other age groups
show examples
age
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group
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 between the
years
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 1978 to 2008,
while
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 all other
groups
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 with slight differences. From 1988 to 1998, an estimated rose of 20% of people
age
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group
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 between 25-34, 35-49 and above 50
years
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 old visited the cinema once a month.
This
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 uptrend lasted 10
years
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 and remained constant from 1998 to 2008. Meanwhile, the
age
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group
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 14-24
years
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 old only inclined approximately 5% during 1988-1998. Very similar trends could be seen for all
age
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groups
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. Beginning an approximate decline of 5% and 20% for
age
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groups
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 14-24 and 25-34 respectively, and an estimated 10% downtrend for both
age
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groups
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 35-49 and above 50. All figures continued to rise over after the year 1988 to 2008.
Submitted by hanz.hyz326 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure which makes it difficult to follow and understand. To improve, ensure that your ideas are organized in a logical sequence, with clear paragraphs that each contain one main idea supported by relevant examples.
task achievement
The essay does not address the specific topic of the advantages and disadvantages of businesses moving to rural areas. To score higher, focus on directly answering the question posed and fully developing your response with clear arguments and relevant examples.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are essential parts of the essay but are missing in this response. A clear introduction should set the context and state your position, while the conclusion should summarize your main points and restate your opinion, ensuring a complete argument is made.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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