IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

NOWADAYS, PARENTS ARE ALLOWING THEIR CHILDREN TO USE TABLES AND SMARTPHONES TO ENHANCE LEARNING. DO THE ADVANTAGES OF THIS DEVELOPMENT OUTWEIGH THE DISADVANTAGES?

#parents #children #tables #smartphones #development
Almost every parent, nowadays, not just allows children to use tablets and smartphones as a mean of learning, but
also
 encourage them by giving these devices as gifts, like on their birthdays or on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Christmas. Using electronic machines has many advantages,
as well as
 some harmful consequences.
To begin
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
facilities which are provided by these new instruments, I believe them to be like an entire library contained in a single book. In fact, you can search for any kind of books, articles or news you like to read.
Moreover
, students don't have to bring heavyweight school bags on their
back
Fix the agreement mistake
backs
show examples
, causing them
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poor back spine curvature over time, which could lead to serious health issues. In
last
,
these
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
hardwares
Correct your spelling
hardware
 could play a huge role in cognitive development, especially of
right
Correct article usage
the right
show examples
 side brain, through a number of activities like drawing, playing games, composing music and a lot more.
On the other hand
, there are some disadvantages of these gadgets we cannot deny.
For instance
, the blue light emitted by these screens is injurious
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eyesight and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mental health as well, if used for a long period of time.
Nonetheless
 is the fact that studies showed a longer retention regarding the information learned from real books as compared to
screened-books
Correct your spelling
screened books
show examples
.
To conclude
, I am of the idea that these devices
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 many benefits,
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 providing all types of information and cognitive development,
as well as
 some negative points, like eye muscles weakness.
Therefore
, parents must be very conscious about their correct and balanced use by the youth.
Submitted by syedbasat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While your essay presents an introduction and conclusion, critical to a well-structured IELTS essay, the introduction could benefit from a clearer thesis statement that directly addresses the prompt. In your conclusion, ensure that you are summarizing the main points and clearly stating your position in relation to the question.
task achievement
Your main ideas are generally relevant, but they need to be developed more comprehensively. Each paragraph should contain a clear main idea, supported by relevant specific examples or further explanation. This will help your essay meet the task's requirements and convey your ideas more effectively.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay needs a clear progression of ideas. Make sure each paragraph has a clear central topic that's expanded upon with supporting sentences. The use of connective words is good, but could be improved to demonstrate a higher level of coherence.
coherence and cohesion
You made a valiant effort to support your main points with examples, but the examples provided are somewhat generic. For a higher score, incorporate more detailed and specific instances or data to clearly illustrate your arguments.

Answer the 'Advantages and Disadvantages' topic

IELTS advantages and disadvantages questions normally give you a statement and ask you to comment on the advantages and disadvantages of that statement.

Answer structure for the type of essay

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – advantages
  • Body paragraph 2 – disadvantages
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • The main advantage is...
  • The disadvantage of this...
  • The main benefit...
  • Despite these advantages...
  • One possible drawback...

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Interactive
  • Engaging
  • Customized learning experiences
  • Self-directed learning
  • Accommodating
  • Over-reliance
  • Distraction
  • Addictive apps
  • Social interaction
  • Inappropriate content
  • Parental control
  • Supervision
  • Technological proficiency
  • Screen time
  • Holistic educational experience
  • Cognitive development
  • Attention spans
  • Physical activity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: