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Band 5

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #robbery #attack #adults
There is a controversial perspective heating up a debate over the fact that it will be the responsibility of the young to be punished at the mature people’s level if they commit some felony,
such
 as robbery or violent acts. I would contend that I partially have a consensus with
this
 conception. Without a shadow of a doubt, it is certainly essential for people who are at the
age
 of 18 or more to be accountable for their serious wicked acts as ordinary adults.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that at
this
age
, they had enough consciousness of their alarming actions which bring a negative or even lethal effect on individuals and their society.
Therefore
, a strong sentence at
this
 time is an appropriate and timely tactic in order to help them return to a proper life in the long run.
For example
,
according to
 Vietnamese legislation, over 17-year-old perpetrators who commit
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
such
 as sexual assault or
murdering
Replace the word
murder
show examples
 have to be put behind
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bars
in
Change preposition
for
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 an equivalent period of time.
Thus
, punishing offenders from 18 years old as adults plays as an embodiment of justice and fairness in society.
While
 the necessity of punishment at
this
age
 is widely acknowledged, adolescents and
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
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 should be put on a looser penalty for their thoughtless actions.
Since an
Change preposition
An
show examples
 awareness
that is
 not yet fully developed or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
innocent carelessness makes teenagers and kids
convict
Wrong verb form
convicted
show examples
illegal
Change preposition
of illegal
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 regardless of the pressing consequences being the reason why their
punishment’s
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punishment
show examples
 level needs to be reduced.
For instance
, with respect to
this
age
 group, reformatories built by
Vietnamese’s
Change noun form
Vietnamese
show examples
 authority
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 still the optimal method for them to rehabilitate and improve their morality
instead
 of sending them to jail.
Hence
, it is more suitable that criminals under 18 years old suffer from a looser punishment than mature people. In conclusion, having a heavy reliance on
age
, the youngest should have a liability for their urgent action with parallel punishments.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear and logical structure is maintained throughout the essay. While you had a structured approach, there were moments where ideas could have been sequenced more effectively for a stronger argument. Aim for strong topic sentences and clear paragraph transitions to enhance logical flow.
coherence cohesion
Work on the presentation of introduction and conclusion. Ensure that they effectively summarize your points and provide a clear position for your argument. The introduction should more explicitly state your thesis, and the conclusion should summarize your argument without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Support main points with more relevant details and examples. While you have provided a general explanation, the essay lacked specificity. Citing concrete examples or adding more precise information would strengthen your argument and better illustrate your points.
task achievement
Address the essay prompt comprehensively. While you partially covered the question posed by the essay topic, it would benefit from a more complete response. Fully explore the implications and counterarguments to your position in order to provide a well-rounded discussion on the subject.
task achievement
Develop ideas comprehensively for maximum clarity. Ensure that each paragraph has one clear main idea and that this idea is fully fleshed out. Avoid general statements and focus on clear, concise, and comprehensive exposition of your opinions.
task achievement
Include relevant and specific examples to support your statements. Your essay should have solid grounding in reality through the use of specific examples, data, or case studies, which could significantly strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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