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Band 3.5

Some people belive that unpaid community service should be compulsary part of high school programs. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#people #belive #community #service #compulsary #part #school #programs
Community
services
 aim to improve the quality of life of
people
 in a society. There are
people
 who may hold on to the opinion that social work without any pay should be a mandatory part of high
school
 activities. I too completely agree with the view of high
school
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 compulsory participation in social service practice.
Firstly
non- profit
Correct your spelling
non-profit
show examples
services
 help to develop life
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in
students
. To go
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 detail activities like charity or helping elders provide a space to socialize with other
people
.
Through exchanging
Change preposition
Exchanging
show examples
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 with friends, teachers and other
people
 would create excellent communication skills.
For instance
,
a recent news
Remove the article
recent news
a piece of recent news
show examples
 from BBC that the children participated in
community
serives
Correct your spelling
services
 without any payment improved
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
rapport building.
Hence
 it is useful for
students
 to exchange creative ideas.
Secondly
, unpaid
services
 help
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children to become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
future
Correct article usage
the future
show examples
. To make it more clear, under the
guidence
Correct your spelling
guidance
 of
teachers
Add a comma
teachers,
show examples
 the student
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 more responsible in social
services
. It leads a high
school
 student to become a socially responsible citizen.
For instance
,
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research conducted by London
university
Capitalize word
University
show examples
 showed that the
students
participated
Correct pronoun usage
who participated
show examples
 in
community
services
 have
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 more empathic to other
students
. It
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the children a better human.
To conclude
, I completely agree
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the view that mandatory
community
 service without any pay must be added to the
school
curriculam
Correct your spelling
curriculum
 as it helps to improve
skills
Correct article usage
the skills
show examples
 of the
students
as well as
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
become socially responsible
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
.
Submitted by greeshmasebastian1997 on

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coherence cohesion
Provide a more varied range of connective devices to guide the reader through the argument structure effectively.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring paragraphs with clear topic sentences followed by supporting examples and a concluding sentence.
task achievement
Focus on using specific examples to support your main points, rather than general statements.
task achievement
The essay requires stronger task fulfillment by addressing the prompt thoroughly, presenting a clear position throughout the response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that the conclusion summarises your viewpoint clearly, reflecting the arguments made in the essay.
coherence cohesion
Carefully proofread your essay to correct grammatical mistakes and enhance the overall readability.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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