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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
The fact that many available food
products
 are high in
sugar
 and it would result in an unhealthy society, is inevitable.
According to
 some, sugary
products
 should cost much to encourage
people
 to set a less sugary diet. In my perspective,
definitely
Rephrase
apply
show examples
this
 would not be an efficient way to prevent consuming
much
Rephrase
too much
show examples
sugar
 and I will investigate
this
 issue in
this
 essay.
To begin
 with, I believe that the more well-informed the
people
 are, the more healthy the society will be.
Therefore
, infrastructures should be provided
for increasing
Change preposition
to increase
show examples
 the awareness of individuals about the harmfulness of
foods
 that are high in
sugar
 rather than
rising
Correct your spelling
raising
show examples
 the price of that kind of
products
Fix the agreement mistake
product
show examples
.
For instance
, pushing
manufactures
Correct your spelling
manufacturers
show examples
for putting
Change preposition
to put
show examples
 some labels on
foods
 which contain beneficial information about the ingredients ,
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 the amount of
sugar
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
, is expected to aware
people
 and assist them in making
decision
Add an article
a decision
the decision
show examples
for buying
Change preposition
to buy
show examples
 more nutritious
foods
 and be in good health
while
 an extortionate price will not work effectively.
On the other hand
, as rich citizens have access to all pricey goods, increasing the price would not affect the affordability of
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
for
Change preposition
apply
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providing expensive
foods
 which are high in
sugar
, and
as a result
,
this
 is not expected to lead
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
healthy society. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other words,
this
 not only is a fruitless exercise
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 may cause a gap between poor and rich since only a certain part is able to purchase sugary
foods
.
To conclude
, I completely disagree with making sugary
products
 expensive in order to reduce
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 use
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
because,
Change preposition
in
show examples
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the first place,
people
 should be aware enough to choose a balanced diet with vital nutrients
instead
 of inability
in providing
Change preposition
to provide
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
Furthermore
, as
this
 way does not include
people
 from all walks of life would not be effective.
Submitted by s.hemmati.p on

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task achievement
The introduction should more clearly state your opinion and briefly outline the reasons you will discuss.
task achievement
Make sure to directly and fully address the question asked and present a clear argument without contradicting yourself.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing to aid the logical flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should have a clear central idea with supporting explanations or examples.
task achievement
Support your ideas with specific examples, not just general statements or hypothetical scenarios.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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