IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Some governments today seek to monitor the general public’s electronic communications (in the form of phone calls, texts, and emails) saying that this reduces crime. Many people oppose this, however, saying that it erodes individual freedoms. Discuss the aspects of this debate, and give your own conclusion to the discussion.

#governments #public’s #communications #form #phone #texts #emails #crime #people #freedoms #aspects #debate #conclusion #discussion
Recent years have witnessed the ever-increasing growth of high-technology crimes through electronic communications, so some governments in certain countries are looking for measures to control
this
 phenomenon.
This
 essay will discuss both sides of the argument and provide evidence as to why I agree with the opinion. On the one hand, the
further
 implementation of various security solutions has always been in our interest as it deters criminals and discourages crime. Nowadays, some technological companies have combined selective monitoring systems with their devices to collect users’ personal information.
This
 has been carefully implemented to deter misdemeanours or any other problematic activities both online and offline.
For example
, sensitive information like location is almost allowed access to every application on our mobile phones, which can double the count of assistance in some urgent situations,
such
 as finding victims or criminals in kidnapping cases.
On the other hand
, there are some compelling reasons why other people are concerned about their liberties under danger.
Firstly
, users are severely worried that if it were to fall into the wrong hands, it could lead to dangerous misuse. Notably, the misuse
***in
Correct your spelling
*** in
 a corporate sense*** is
also
 worrisome.
Secondly
, the thought of constantly being observed and monitored poses a threat to privacy and undoubtedly causes discomfort. In some circumstances, some people are obsessed with the imagination that there is somebody following them in the long term, which can result in some mental health issues,
such
 as anxiety or obsessive-compulsive disorder. In conclusion,
while
 it could be argued that there are drawbacks, the benefits of allowing the monitoring of private data only in specific situations heavily outweigh any adverse effects.
Submitted by oanhhkpsy on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To improve the logical structure of your essay, aim for a clear and direct approach throughout. Begin each paragraph with a strong topic sentence and ensure that each sentence logically follows the one before, forming a cohesive argument.
coherence cohesion
Make sure that both your introduction and conclusion are concise and mirror each other. They should provide a clear framework for your essay, with the introduction presenting the topic and the conclusion effectively summarising your argument without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your main points need to be supported by more varied and developed examples. Use real-life instances, research findings, or hypothetical scenarios to give more depth to your argument and make it more persuasive.
task achievement
Ensure that you address the task fully by covering all parts of the prompt in a balanced way. It appears that your essay has partially missed the balance, focusing more on one aspect of the argument. Provide an equal discussion of both views before giving your own conclusion.
task achievement
Aim to present your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. Avoid making general statements without explaining or discussing them further. Elaborate on your points to give the reader a better understanding of your perspective.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to support your argument. Avoid vague or overly broad statements and instead provide clear examples that directly relate to the point you are trying to make.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Ultimate Speaking practice for IELTS

Practice speaking step by step, answer real-life questions, and build your confidence. Start your free trial and improve your speaking skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!