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Band 3

In today’s competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents’ absence. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words

#today’s #world #families #parents #work #say #children #benefit #income #lack #support #parents’ #absence #reason
Some people
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
providing
children
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
materialistic life is the best way to raise
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
a child
children
show examples
children
. As they can get what want when they are growing.
However
, I
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
children
 can develop a better personality with the support and guidance of
parents
. On the one hand, both
parents
 who go out and work can provide
children
a
Add the preposition
with a
show examples
materialist life. When both
parents
 go out to work, the family can receive more income .In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other words, they can provide kids
better
Change preposition
with better
show examples
 education,
toy
Fix the agreement mistake
toys
show examples
,
clothing
Correct word choice
and clothing
show examples
. After getting all those
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
assistances
Fix the agreement mistake
assistance
show examples
, kids could stand out
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the public and follow their
dream
Fix the agreement mistake
dreams
show examples
 without
fianical
Correct your spelling
financial
finical
burden
Fix the agreement mistake
burdens
show examples
.
For example
, many professionals like
lawers
Correct your spelling
lawyers
show examples
 and doctors raised a lot of
sucessful
Correct your spelling
successful
children
. Their
children
 become
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sucessful
Correct your spelling
successful
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 because they have hired top
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 to
teacher
Replace the word
teach
show examples
 their kids. Top
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
reqired
Correct your spelling
required
 lots of money. On the other
hands
Fix the agreement mistake
hand
show examples
, I
belief
Replace the word
believe
show examples
 that the involvement of
parents
 is important to
children
's
develpment
Correct your spelling
development
.
Children
 can lack
of
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sense of security without the
acommpany
Correct your spelling
accompany
company
 of
parents
.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
Children
 may act
abnormal
Change the word
abnormally
show examples
such
 as
stomache
Correct your spelling
stomach
 at school in order to get the attention of their
parents
.
Children
 would have a wrong sense of value and
parents
 cannot notice as they are both busy at work. In conclusion, despite a high income can make
children
 receive a more advanced
materlialistic
Correct your spelling
materialistic
 life,
partents
Correct your spelling
parents
 can easily ignore
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 basic needs and make them build up a wrong
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
show examples
 when they are growing.
Submitted by phoebeyeung5283 on

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Introduction Advice
Your introduction mixes verb tenses and does not provide a clear thesis statement. A more concise introduction would set a clearer direction for your essay. Consider providing a roadmap in your introduction that briefly outlines the points you intend to discuss.
Paragraph Structure Advice
The logical flow of your essay is impeded by the lack of clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph. Topic sentences play a crucial role in establishing the purpose of the paragraph and should be clear and directly related to the task.
Grammar Advice
Be cautious with repeated words and grammatical errors. For instance, 'belief' is incorrectly used; 'believe' would be correct. Besides, 'parents' absence' is a singular possessive; thus, 'parents's absence' should be 'parents' absence' or 'absence of the parents'. Such mistakes can distract from the overall understanding and quality of the essay.
Example Relevance Advice
You should work on providing more developed examples to support your points. The reference to lawyers and doctors' children is general; adding specificity and relevance would enhance your argument's effectiveness and the reader's engagement.
Conclusion Advice
The conclusion does not effectively summarise the essay nor does it reflect on the points made throughout the essay. It is important to concisely repeat the main arguments and state your position clearly in the conclusion to effectively close the discussion.
Proofreading Advice
Make sure to proofread your work for typographical errors. Misspellings like 'develpment', 'materlialistic', and 'fianical' could have been avoided with careful checking. Such mistakes may lower the perceived level of effort and attention to detail in your writing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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