IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people work long hours, leaving very little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages?

#people #work #hours #time #leisure #activities #situation
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In our developed world, the majority of people have a tendency to devote considerable amount of time to working rather than to relax and unwind.
However
, from my point of view, there are several potential drawbacks which outweigh
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
.
One
Correct your spelling
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand, working for long
hours
 may be
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 for some individuals.
For instance
, working for too long might boost their income,
consequently
, they may feel
finincially
Correct your spelling
financially
 secure and clear their debts and expenses.
Furthermore
, if people
may
Verb problem
apply
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work
 for
hours
 they would gain some incentives which
also
 might be constructive for their budget.
In addition
, long effective labour should lead to high positions in a particular field,
apart from
this
,
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
a
Correct article usage
the
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 status of an employer.
Hence
, there is a range of positive consequences
due to
 working for
hours
 which may result in financial
Replace the word
independence
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independency
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independence
show examples
 and increase the
work
 position.
On the other hand
,
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
show examples
 of working longer should not be overlooked. As an illustration, humans with
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
show examples
 lifestyle would suffer a lot both physically and mentally.
Moreover
, individuals may experience back pain
as well as
 heart disease,
additionally
, stress during long
work
hours
 triggers depression and insomnia.
Apart from
this
, there is
lack
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a lack
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 of personal time to take care of
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
oneself
show examples
 and produce some hormones
such
 as dopamine which is responsible for human happiness.
In addition
, devoting too much time to
work
 may lead to dissatisfaction and result in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 shortage of motivation.
Thus
, there are plenty of negative yields that may occur during the longer working. In conclusion,
although
 there are significant benefits to working long
hours
,
it is clear that
 the downsides outstrip the good points. On balance, we should maintain a healthy
work
-life balance since it is the key to health, relationships, productivity and ultimately
work
 performance.
Submitted by hrushik2006 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to structure your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Use linking words and transitions to guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Your essay has presented a response to the task, yet it could be enhanced by being more directly responsive to the question asked, discussing the advantages and disadvantages with clear, relevant examples. Consider expanding on each point with more specific details.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-life balance
  • mental well-being
  • burnout
  • stress relief
  • productivity
  • economic growth
  • career progression
  • skill enhancement
  • quality time
  • financial security
  • leisure activities
  • physical health
  • personal relationships
  • stress-related illnesses
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