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Band 4

Homelessness is increasing in many major cities around the world. What do you think are the main causes of this problem and what measures could be taken to solve it?

#homelessness #cities #world #measures
Nowadays, many
people
 have different
point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
show examples
 of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
show examples
how
Change preposition
on how
show examples
homelessness
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 significantly increased in big cities around the world. Yet, I strongly believe that
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
 who does not have a house can be solved
away
Rephrase
apply
show examples
and tidy
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
up with
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
help from
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
. On the one hand,
homelessness
 has major causes that can break down into two big causing parts.
Firstly
, in
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 fields,
big
Add an article
the big
show examples
 city has different level to approach any kind of
jobs
Fix the agreement mistake
job
show examples
. There are a lot of multi-national companies or factories which
placed
Add a missing verb
are placed
show examples
 in that area.
Moreover
, the terms and conditions to pass the processes of getting jobs are really hard.
People
 who do not have
capability
Correct article usage
the capability
show examples
 and ability can not pass the requirements.
Furthermore
,
people
 can not afford the higher living expenses which
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 pockets broken.
For example
,
multi national
Add a hyphen
multi-national
show examples
 companies
such
 as Grab, Shoppe, or Ruang Guru have
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher standards
to look
Change preposition
for looking
show examples
 up the fresh graduate’s curriculum vitae
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them disqualified to grab the jobs.
Secondly
, in social fields, youngsters nowadays have big expectations to work in big
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
while
 the skills are not compatible yet. The social
life
 that needs to afford
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 is more important than living
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 ordinary
life
.
For instance
,
people
 tend to live their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
modern
Correct article usage
a modern
show examples
 style
instead
 of having adequate living
that is
 more peaceful than having loans.
On the other hand
, there are a lot of sufficient programs provided by the government
such
 as
Prakerja
Correct article usage
the Prakerja
show examples
 program. The Prakerja Program is made for
people
 to get the specialized qualifications to improve
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 skills. So that, they can pass the qualifications and make their experience
coming
Wrong verb form
come
show examples
 true. Meanwhile, there are
also
 boarding houses provided by the government that can tackle
homelessness
Replace the word
homeless
show examples
people
to live
Verb problem
apply
show examples
.
This
Change the determiner
These
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 programs are really helpful
to make
Change preposition
in making
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 welfare society. In conclusion,
although
homelessness
 is a fear, I strongly believe that there are a lot of methods to tackle it.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and logical structure, making it somewhat difficult to follow your argument. Try to organize your ideas into clear paragraphs with topic sentences that indicate the main idea of each paragraph. Each paragraph should focus on one main point and offer supporting sentences that are directly linked to that point.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be more effective. The introduction should have a clear thesis statement that outlines the essay's main points, and the conclusion should succinctly summarize the argument without introducing new information.
coherence cohesion
Your main points require further development and support. To strengthen your essay, provide clearer explanations and more elaboration on your points to convincingly convey your argument. Avoid making broad or overly generalized statements without concrete support.
task achievement
You only partially addressed the task. The question asks for the causes of homelessness and measures to solve it, and your response should thoroughly cover both aspects. While you touch on some causes, you fail to address the different measures thoroughly. Develop your argument to cover all parts of the question.
task achievement
Your ideas are somewhat clear but they are not always comprehensive. Aim for clarity by stating your points directly and concisely. Provide detailed explanations where needed, and avoid using examples that are not fully explained or relevant to the prompt.
task achievement
You have provided some relevant examples, such as the Prakerja program and high living expenses, but overall, your essay would benefit from more specific and varied examples that are clearly linked to the points you are making. Use examples to effectively illustrate and strengthen your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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