You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic. The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 250 words.

There is a controversial perspective heating a debate over the fact that the rate of overweight in young people has a tendency to go up 20% in the
last
ten years.
This
essay is dedicated to the underlying roots, followed by some equivalent influences of
this
phenomenon. Without a shadow of a doubt, there are many justifications
why
Change preposition
for why
show examples
young people in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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society tend to hike weight compared to the
last
ten years.
However
Add a comma
However,
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the one that shows
impression
Correct article usage
an impression
show examples
is fast
food
.
Because with
Correct word choice
With
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the development of technological devices, the brands of fast
food
become more and more popular, especially to
children
, with the appelling taste through selling their product
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
online sale platforms .
For example
, KFC, Lotte and Mcdonalds are successful in
purchase
Change the verb form
purchasing
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their
food
through
website
Add an article
a website
the website
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which help them have a large of
loyalty
Replace the word
loyal
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children
customers.
Hence
, the reason why western
children
is
Change the verb form
are
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likely to
overweight
Add a missing verb
be overweight
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is the common of fast
food
.
While
the culprit of
this
phenomenon is widely acknowledged, it is unfair if the impacts of
this
are ignored. If young people abuse fast
food
on a regular basis, it can lead to a wealth of harmful effects on their health. Because fast
food
contains a flood of protein which requires a long time in order to completely digest so
children
can suffer from
pessing
Correct your spelling
pressing
passing
problems.
For instance
, overweight
children
can have the rate of cancer which is higher than other normal
children
. So cancer is one of the remarkable alarming influences if
children
eat more and more fast
food
. In conclusion, if
children
use a lot of fast
food
for a long time, it can trigger not only overweight but
also
serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
, especially cancer which can make the quality of their life go down.
Submitted by nh203618 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that these ideas are distinct from each other to avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
Use a range of cohesive devices to link ideas within and across paragraphs, but avoid overuse or incorrect use.
coherence cohesion
Provide clear and concise topic sentences that summarize the main idea of each paragraph, ensuring a stronger logical structure.
task achievement
Address both parts of the task by discussing causes and effects with equal development, and ensure that the response remains directly related to the prompt throughout.
task achievement
Develop ideas fully by providing deeper analysis and more detailed explanations of causes and effects, moving beyond stating the obvious.
task achievement
Include more relevant and specific examples to support your points, ensuring that these examples clearly illustrate the arguments being made.

Your opinion

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If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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