Many people are supportive of the opinion that young children should study at home, because there are so many problems in schools nowadays. To what extent do you agree?

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A
substaintial
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substantial

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number of individuals have a strong view
in
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on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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the way
of
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apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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young
children
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It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

studing
Correct your spelling
studying

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, which says that
pupeals
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pupils

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should study at home because of so many problems that are in schools
toaday
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today

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. In
this
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

essay,I will share my opinion about
howmuch
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how much

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it is
neccesary
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necessary

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and
excebtable
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acceptable

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. it is crystal clear that
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma after the subordinating conjunction that. Consider removing the comma.

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these days there are too many problems in study places almost for young
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

;in fact,some
of
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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schools
Add an article
the schools

The phrase some of schools may require the use of the article the. Consider inserting the before the noun in your sentence.

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are not safe around the world;
therefore
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,changing the
life style
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lifestyle

The word life style seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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;to illustrate,consider people's life before and after Queid
pandamic
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pandemic

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, before that
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

went to school and parents had no concern about
such
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

a deases
Correct the article-noun agreement
deases
a deas

The indefinite article a may not be required with the plural noun deases in this sentence. Consider removing the article, or changing the noun to singular.

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;
as a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
studing
Correct your spelling
studying

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online is more
desier
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desire

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for some parents who
are worry
Change the verb form
are worried

It appears that the form of the verb worry does not work with are in this sentence.

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about their
children
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

's health.
On the other hand
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, in the modern days that we are living humans are becoming alone
and
Correct word choice
apply

It seems that conjunction use may be incorrect here.

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alone;indeed;family ties are not like past anymore;
there fore
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therefore

The word there fore seems to be miswritten. Consider replacing it.

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,they are almost fairly small and most
of
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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families just have one child;
forexample
Correct your spelling
for example

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,parents who have one young child prefer to keep him/her next to themselves and study at home, in order to loosing them.
Hence
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, their child used to be alone and may never
could
Remove a modal verb
apply

The verbs, may and could, are both modal verbs. You cannot use two modal verbs in one clause. Remove one of these verbs.

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make
frinds
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friends

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and can not
take
Verb problem
apply

There may be a verb use issue here.

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participate in communities.
To conclude
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase in my opinion. Consider adding a comma.

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studing
Correct your spelling
studying

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young
pupeals
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pupils

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at home , will
cuases
Correct your spelling
cause
causes

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some problems
in
Change preposition
with

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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sociability
Replace the word
social

The word sociability doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

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conditions, which are not
sutable
Correct your spelling
suitable
stable

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in time.
Submitted by sajad.bazdar.2012 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and coherent structure, which significantly impacts its readability. Consider using clear paragraphs to introduce, develop, and conclude your ideas. Each paragraph should have a central idea, supported by explanations and examples.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your overall opinion, and that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of your essay without introducing new ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your main points need to be better supported by relevant examples and explanations. Develop each point fully to make your argument more persuasive and satisfying the task requirements.
task achievement
Ensure that you've fully responded to all parts of the task by providing a balanced discussion that covers both sides of the argument. It is important to clearly address the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement given, using specific reasons to back up your points.
task achievement
Your ideas need to be expressed more clearly and comprehensively. Work on sentence structure and vocabulary to improve the quality of your writing, making it easier for the reader to understand and follow your argument.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples to strengthen your arguments. These examples should be clearly linked to the points you are making and serve to illustrate your points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • tailor
  • specific needs
  • effective
  • enjoyable
  • reduction
  • exposure
  • bullying
  • violence
  • peer pressure
  • encourage
  • closer family bond
  • social development
  • academic quality
  • breadth of knowledge
  • expertise
  • resources
  • curriculum
  • structured environments
  • adapt
What to do next:
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