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Band 4.5

In recent times, economic growth has helped many become richer, both in developed and developing countries. However, those in developed countries are not as happy as they were in the past. Why is this? What can be learned from this? (Write 250 words.)

#times #growth #countries
Many
people
 in the world want to be wealthy. They take
time
 to work and develop their
country
 for a good
life
 and facilities.
That is
 the reason in the present
time
 there is much economic growth. And
then
 after economic growth that gives
people
life
 easier and richer than
the
Change preposition
in the
show examples
 past. But sometimes so much money does not mean a good
life
. It has two main reasons that I think about the paragraph below. First of all,
people
 must know the meaning of happiness. Happiness is something that you live with no stress and can take
time
 for yourself. If you have a lot of money but you lose your
work
Add a hyphen
work-life
show examples
life
 balance, I think that you will be sad and stressed. Thailand has a good lesson that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
king
Capitalize word
King
show examples
 Rama 9 gave to his
people
 a long
time
 ago. The lesson is
stay
Fix the infinitive
to stay
show examples
 with the salary that you have and not use more than
this
 for something that you must not have.
Secondly
, in a developed
country
people
 must work hard to develop their
country
 in the same way as a government project. And after
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 the economy of their
country
 gets bigger and bigger.
Then
 after their economy has developed, workers must have improved their
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 to develop their own
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 or their
country
 again and again. That means the start of a vicious cycle. In summary, I think that the reason why economic growth helps many
people
 become richer but they are not as happy as in the past is that it has driven
people
 to have more responsibilities and stress in their job. Of all the reasons above, we can learn wealth does not mean happiness.
Submitted by writersdiary101 on

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task achievement
Ensure the introduction clearly presents the topic and your thesis statement. Expand on how wealth does not equate to happiness, clarifying this in the conclusion.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from a more logical flow, connecting ideas and paragraphs seamlessly. Consider using linking words and clear topic sentences at the beginning of paragraphs.
task achievement
Effective use of examples and more detailed explanation can strengthen your main points. Provide specific instances or data to back up your claims.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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