IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The government should band smoking in all public places, even tough this would restrict some other people’s freedoms. Do you agree and disagree?

#government #band #places #people’s #freedoms
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Many
people
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 these days hold various ideas as regards
to
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smoking in all public places. It is said that smoking in all public areas should not be allowed by the government. Even though some individuals assert that it is
restriction
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a restriction
the restriction
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 for some society’s freedom, I completely agree that there would be more negative impacts if it is
continiued
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continued
 in upcoming years. First of all, it is an undeniable fact that smoking, in general, injures
the
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human health. Nowadays, the number of tobacco-related products is increasing,
additionally
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, there are plenty of convenient places for using
this
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,
such
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 as parks, gardens, coffee shops etc. Smoking in
the
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apply
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public areas is terrible
for
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not only for
people
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 who are already addicted to
,
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but
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it but
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also
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 for the environment.
On the other hand
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, when it comes to
liberty
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the liberty
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 of the
people
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,here in my opinion, if your desires may cause irritation for other individuals
then
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 we cannot speak about freedom. It is because some
people
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 have
sensitivity
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a sensitivity
the sensitivity
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 or some allergics
for
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to
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 the smell of
the
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apply
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smoke. Meanwhile, not choosing
appropriate
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an appropriate
the appropriate
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 place for smoking has other negative impacts.
For example
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, if the father smokes beside his children all the time, of course, he can not be a good role model for them. Children have powerful imitation abilities so, unconsciously, they may be affected by that.
To sum up
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, maybe, from some
people
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's opinions , it can take the freedom of the
people
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 but here the most crucial thing is being constructive. All the
people
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 should be responsible for the sake of the whole society.In order to save many lives and cleanse the air of pollutants, it is the ministry's responsibility to establish strict regulations and limitations for smokers.
Submitted by naghizadaozgul on

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task achievement
Ensure that the essay maintains a clear position throughout, without digressing or introducing new, unrelated ideas. The stance taken should be consistent and evident in every paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the flow of the essay. While some logical structure is present, the use of linking words and phrases could be expanded to enhance the coherence between sentences and paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
While the introduction and conclusion are present and generally clear, they could be more effectively articulated to immediately establish and summarise the writer's viewpoint.
task achievement
Expand on the main points with more detailed and focused supporting evidence. Specific examples would greatly enhance the argument by demonstrating the practical implications of the points made.
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