IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The given bar chart shows the proportion of three kind of visitors (born in Australia; new migrants born in English-speaking countries, and new migrants born in other countries) came to different places in Australia.

The given bar chart shows the proportion of three kind of visitors (born in Australia; new migrants born in English-speaking countries, and new migrants born in other countries) came to different places in Australia.
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Overall
Linking Words
,
Cinema
Correct article usage
the Cinema
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 was by far the most popular place to visit
by
Change preposition
of
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 the three mentioned elements
To begin
Linking Words
 with, cinema is considered the most popular place in Australia, with 70% and 65%
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 born in Australia and new
migrants
Use synonyms
 born in English-speaking
countries
Use synonyms
show
Wrong verb form
showing
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 interest.
In contrast
Linking Words
, only a small proportion of Australians went to the theatre regularly,
at
Change preposition
apply
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around 20%, about three times less than that at the cinema. New
migrants
Use synonyms
 who were born in other
countries
Use synonyms
, tend to have the least interest in spending time at the theatre, which only has 10%.
In contrast
Linking Words
 to the theatre, new
migrants
Use synonyms
 from other
countries
Use synonyms
 seemed to enjoy themselves at the library, approximately 55%. Meanwhile, the number of people who were born in Australia and new
migrants
Use synonyms
 in English-speaking
countries
Use synonyms
 interest in visiting the zoo was 41% and 50% respectively, much higher than the number of people who like visiting the zoo.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in contrast".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words migrants, countries with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the first paragraph.
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