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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people feel that playing computer games has a negative impact on children's health and social skills. Others say that it has a positive impact. Discuss both views.

#people #computer #games #impact #children #health #skills
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Computer
 technology has been developing for a
while
, especially
computer
games
. Many
people
 consider that brings a lot of effects,
such
 as young
people
's health and social skills but others hold different views. I will discuss both sides and claim it is true that
computer
games
 give many disadvantages to young
people
. Playing
computer
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 makes
children
 smart and talkative. Nowadays there are many
games
 to build
children
’s creativity. A
computer
 game is choosing three different kinds of
stuffs
Change the wording
stuff
kinds of stuff
pieces of stuff
show examples
 and it becomes a different kind type of the world and which one will go to the complete world.
Moreover
, there are many online
games
 to involve making a group
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
deal with a mission.
Children
 can meet
people
 from different countries and learn about their cultures on
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
. In negative effects, most
children
 always make themselves tired because of playing
computer
games
. It is easy to attract young
people
 to play
games
 on
computer
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
 and
children
 do not know how to arrange their time.
Thus
, they always play
games
 overnight so their body cannot provide energy for tomorrow.
In addition
,
children
 used to
hidden
Change the form of the verb
hide
show examples
 in the role of
games
 so it is easy to lose social skills in reality life. In Taiwan, many young
people
 tend to play
computer
games
 because they can pretend whoever they want.
However
, they do not have confidence when they back to the real world.
Thus
 they will be afraid to contact
people
.
To sum up
,
computer
games
 provide some positive things.
However
, I believe they bring problems
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 like
children
 cannot stop playing
games
 so they always feel tired.
Moreover
, they prefer playing
computer
games
 rather than socialising with
people
.
Submitted by pobbywang on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear and coherent structure. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence, followed by supporting sentences and a concluding sentence. Try to organize your ideas more logically, ensuring that each point you make is clearly related to the question and contributes to the overall argument or discussion.
task achievement
While you have attempted to cover the task by discussing both positive and negative impacts of computer games, your arguments are not fully developed, and you sometimes repeat points rather than expanding on them. To improve, ensure that each main point is elaborated with a clear explanation, a detailed example, and a link back to the question. Provide a balanced discussion of both views before giving your own opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Obesity
  • Social Isolation
  • Aggression
  • Academic performance
  • Gaming addiction
  • Cognitive skills
  • Problem-solving
  • Stress relief
  • Cultural awareness
  • Social interaction
  • Multitasking
  • Virtual worlds
  • Hand-eye coordination
  • Teamwork
  • Digital literacy
  • Innovative technology
  • E-sports
  • Moderation
  • Parental supervision
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