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Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some societies, the number of crimes committed by teenagers is growing. Some people think that regardless of age, teenagers who commit major crimes should receive adult punishment.

#societies #crimes #teenagers #people #age #adult #punishment
Nowadays, the number of
crimes
 still increases and the percentage of
teenagers
 who join it is
also
 rising. Certain
people
 think that
teenagers
crimes
 who commit heavy
crimes
 should be sent to
jail
as well as
 adult
people
 to receive the same punishment.
This
 essay will shed light on
this
 situation and put forward my opinion that I keep neutral views about
this
 statement. There are several reasons why some
people
 think that should send
teenagers
 into
jail
 and enjoy the same treatment as adults.
Firstly
,
this
law
 can ensure community safety, if some
teenagers
 make the mistake of touching
this
, and can warn other
people
 who want to commit major
crimes
.
Secondly
,
according to
 some popular humanity projects shows that those
people
 when they join heavy
crimes
 keep away from school education and their parents teach for a long time, they touch some bad
people
 untimely, they
are growth
Verb problem
grow
show examples
 already adults, and they repeatability into
jail
.
For instance
, some
people
 want to keep their lives, and they do not have a job offer to subsist, they only steal other
people
's worth of stuff,
also
this
 issue can cause
people
 to hurt or other society instability,
this
 thing is not a
teenager's
Change the noun form
teenagers
teenager
show examples
 mental can do.
On the other hand
, solving any problem should consider each point and not be extremes,
this
 situation is no different.
For example
, some
teenagers
 are
first
 the
law
, they
first
 leave home and school, and if they are sent to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adult
jail
,
this
 place only has manual labour and the criminal
also
 can affect young
people
 mentally. When they end the time, they will continue to make mistakes. There are some project that shows that if the government give young
people
 some mental intervention and send them into the teenager’s
jail
 when they
first
 touch the
law
.
This
 situation can effectively make
teenagers
 not mistakes. In conclusion, though I agree that sending
teenagers
 to adult
jail
 receives the same punishments, I
also
 think when young
people
 touch the
law
, the court cannot
first
 think about sending them to
jail
, they should observe those
people
 whether can correct their mistakes.
Submitted by ur790609922 on

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logical structure
You need to work on the logical structure of your essay. The transition between ideas is not smooth and can be confusing for the reader. Paragraphing can be improved to enhance clarity and organization.
introduction conclusion present
Remember to have a clear introduction and conclusion. Your introduction should frame the topic and your conclusion should summarize your arguments and restate your opinion. Currently, the introduction lacks a clear thesis statement and the conclusion does not effectively encapsulate the discussion.
supported main points
Support your main points with specific examples or further explanation. Many statements in your essay are quite general without proper evidence or examples to back them up. Providing more detailed support will strengthen your argument and increase your score.
complete response
Ensure that your response is complete and covers all parts of the task. You have addressed the prompt, but the development of ideas is uneven and you could expand more on the reasons behind your opinions to provide a more comprehensive response.
clear comprehensive ideas
Work on clarity and the development of comprehensive ideas. Ideas are not fully developed and the essay lacks depth in its argumentation. Moreover, the language used needs to be clearer. Avoid too complex or confusing sentences and ensure the essay is understandable.
relevant specific examples
Use relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. This essay lacks concrete examples to support its claims. Example usage should be directly related to the argument you are making and clearly show the connection to your point.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • juvenile delinquency
  • criminal behavior
  • rehabilitation
  • recidivism
  • adolescent development
  • retribution
  • impulse control
  • the justice system
  • societal influences
  • environmental factors
  • juvenile justice
  • punitive measures
  • adult incarceration
  • youth crime
  • reformative programs
  • deterrence
  • mitigating circumstances
  • restorative justice
  • correctional facilities
  • peer pressure
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