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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Around the world, people are now living longer than ever before in the past. Some say an aging population creates problems for governments. Others believe there are benefits to society having more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of possessing an aging population outweigh the disadvantages?

#world #people #say #population #governments #society
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In many countries,
people
's
life
 expectancy is higher now than in the past. Many individuals argue that an elderly population has its pros and cons in society and
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the government.
Although
, the elderly are known to be wise and could guide the younger generation through
life
.
However
, they are still a burden to the community. In my opinion, an
aging
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ageing
show examples
 population puts a
country
to
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at
show examples
 a disadvantage. One of the benefits of an older population
,
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apply
show examples
 is that their advice and their experiences in
life
 can help
people
 younger than them.
In other words
, their guidance to everything
,
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apply
show examples
 can assist us in preventing a mistake that they had been through.
In addition
, society can seek
for
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apply
show examples
their suggestions and assistance in
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of things.
For instance
, I went to get help from my grandmother after having a misunderstanding
between
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with
show examples
 my friends, she suggested
me
Correct pronoun usage
I
show examples
to
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apply
show examples
talk to them and say everything that was on my mind to avoid other miscommunication. After doing what she told me
too
Correct your spelling
to
show examples
 it actually helped me in forming a deeper friendship and connection with my friend. Just
by
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apply
show examples
asking for some guidance from an elderly who probably went through the exact same thing in the past, helped me in preventing
such
 mistakes in
life
 again. The main disadvantage
,
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apply
show examples
 is that if there is a higher percentage of older civilians in a
country
then
 there would be a decrease in the economy and its output. To clarify, older folks are unable to perform work after a certain age, they take a retirement so if half of the occupants are elderly,
therefore
, there would be no one to hire and do the jobs.
This
 especially will affect the primary sector or so-called,
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 jobs.
For example
, in a factory where they produce and assemble products, they will need to hire younger individuals to do these tasks as older
people
 won't have the energy
nor
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 the capacity to do it.
As a result
, the
country
's output and productivity will be low and
thus
 decrease in its economy. In conclusion, at an international level, folks have been living longer compared to the past and many debates occurred about whether
this
 benefits the government and society or not. Despite the fact that they help out
people
 younger than them throughout
life
. As a contradiction of sorts, they still decrease the profit of a
country
.
Submitted by amnahazfar03 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay exhibits issues with a logical structure; ideas should progress in a clear and systematic way that enhances readability. A stronger paragraph structure with topic sentences and linking expressions is encouraged.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but they are not fully developed. The introduction should clearly state the issue and your position. The conclusion should summarise the main points and restate your position.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported with reasons or examples, but those examples could be more detailed or more directly connected with the main argument to maximize effectiveness.
task achievement
The essay does not fully address all parts of the task. The respondent should ensure that both advantages and disadvantages are given equal treatment and present a clear opinion on which outweighs the other, to satisfy Requirements of Task 2.
task achievement
Ideas presented are pertinent, though the clarity and development of these ideas are not consistently managed throughout the essay. It's essential to expand on ideas with a clear explanation or argumentation.
task achievement
Specific examples are used, but they could be expanded upon for greater effect. Including more varied and relevant examples will help illustrate the points more effectively and improve task achievement.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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