IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

"Prevention is better than cure". Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventive measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#prevention #cure #country #health #budget #proportion #treatment #education #measures
Nowadays,lots of developed countries around the world spend millions of dollar on health awareness programs to ensure that the local citizen is well aware of the causes and issues regarding the most common diseases. The curriculum is arranged in the form of activities and prizes which excite the participants.It is argued that out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventive measures.
Firstly
, many energy issues are created because of a lack of alertness about avoidance measures. A large budget is being spent on hospitals for the treatment of patients.
This
 staggering amount would be reduced if the government spent money on appreciation campaigns or educational curricula. There are many communities who are still unaware of the causes and avoidance of many fitness issues.
For example
, if citizens could get access to information about bad habits like drinking and smoking many folk would quit consumption which would ultimately reduce the
overall
 amount.
Secondly
,lots of the public are living in the village and have low monthly wages.
Due to
this
,they do not have enough funds to approach doctors or know how to deal with the disease properly.
However
,if the government spends lots of cash on educating individuals about various diseases, they will be able to protect themselves and
this
 can help to save them wages.
For instance
,when was the pandemic of COVID-19 increased death of the public
due to
 carelessness and not knowing about avoidance.
Finally
,it was a big blow for everyone.
To sum up
,it is essential that the country spend wealth on prevention activities and well-being perception seminars as it will reduce the
overall
 price being allocated to treatment and
also
 ensure early issue deduction.
Submitted by marina.parmenova on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure the introduction and conclusion are both clearly presented and distinct. The essay lacks a formal conclusion that wraps up the arguments made within the body paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid introducing new ideas or examples in the conclusion, and ensure that the conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay, reinforcing your position on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Develop a more structured logical flow within the essay, including clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, followed by explanation and examples.
Task Achievement
Address the task by providing a more balanced discussion on whether a larger proportion of health budgets should be allocated to prevention rather than treatment. This includes providing more detailed examples and exploring both sides of the argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more sophisticated and varied sentence structures, coherent linking words, and clearer progression of ideas to improve the overall readability and organization of the essay.
Task Achievement
Ensure that ideas are expanded upon with relevant, specific examples and that there is an in-depth exploration of each main point made, rather than just stating information.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • health education
  • public awareness
  • proactive approach
  • unsustainable
  • economic productivity
  • healthcare system
  • vaccinations
  • curative measures
  • comprehensive healthcare
  • financial burden
  • incidence
  • preventable diseases
  • eradicating
  • controlling
  • allocated
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