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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little efect on public health and that others measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

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While
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 a considerable amount of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that developing more sports areas will have a good effect on
citizens
Change noun form
citizens'
citizen's
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 well-being, others suppose that no significant changes will be made. An active lifestyle can truly increase our
health
Use synonyms
, at least
that is
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 what we have been told. One of the main reasons why
people
Use synonyms
 usually skip their fitness training is simply, the lack of proper sports facilities, no one wants to go for 20 minutes
then
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 have a training, become exhausted and
in addition
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 have 20
of
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apply
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minutes walk,
people
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 are too lazy for it. If we want to induce them to be more active,
then
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 we have to make it easily accessible. Despite the previous issues, we still encounter
with
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apply
show examples
top excuse number 2, the lack of desire or motivation, which some of us would say plays a significant role. We won’t be able to gain it by doubling the number of needed areas. If
people
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 truly want something,
then
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 they will do it no matter
of
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apply
show examples
what Sport isn't the only pivotal part of human
health
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 and developing new facilities won't erase the problem of unhealthy habits,
such
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 as drinking alcohol or eating junk food. That's true, it isn't enough just to be an active person in order to stay healthy. There are plenty of stories where humans decided to start jogging and
thus
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 improve their liver condition.
To sum up
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 briefly, in my opinion, developing new sports areas will improve public
health
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 being, but I do not believe that these will make a huge impact on
citizens
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citizens'
citizen's
show examples
health
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, as other measures are needed.

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a basic structure with an introduction, body, and conclusion, but the ideas could be better organized with clearer paragraphing.
coherence cohesion
A range of cohesive devices are used. However, the progression of ideas is not always logical and can be confusing at times.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but could be further developed to more effectively introduce the topic and summarize the main points.
task achievement
You addressed the task to some degree and provided a personal opinion, yet it needs to be more fully developed with a clearer position throughout the essay.
task achievement
The ideas presented need to be expanded into clearer and more comprehensive arguments. Utilize paragraphing to structure your essay into clear introductions, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task achievement
There is a lack of relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. Drawing on such examples can improve the effectiveness of your arguments.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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