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Band 5

Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace ( e.g. at home, when travelling, etc. ). Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?

#information #technology #people #work #workplace #e #g #home #mobility
Nowadays information technology has been developing so that
workers
 can choose different places that they
work
, like home. Some
people
 consider it is not effective for working.
However
, I will claim that the upsides of not working in the
workplace
 outweigh the downsides. Not working in the
workplace
 brings two disadvantages to
workers
.
To begin
 with, it is easy to delay
work
 when
people
work
 outside the
workplace
. Most jobs need
people
 to collaborate with others. Yet, when
people
work
 in different places, it is hard to communicate with others and they need more time to deal with it so the deadline might be
delay
Wrong verb form
delayed
show examples
.
In addition
, working outside the
workplace
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
people
have
Verb problem
feel
show examples
 pressure because
people
 will think everywhere is a
workplace
, even at home.
Then
 they could not be relaxed. Regardless of the disadvantages above, advantages brought by doing
work
 outside the
workplace
. It is flexible to plan a timetable for
people
 who have children. Because they can choose what time they want to start and end the
work
.
Thus
, they have enough time to send their children to school or pick up them.
Moreover
,
workers
 can save money from the traffic. Gas, parking fees and taxes for cars increase year by year. If
workers
 can
work
 somewhere
that is
 near their home, it could save a lot of money.
To sum up
,
people
 could surely get form not working in the working.
However
, the advantages give
people
 the flexibility to plan their timetable and places
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 near their house which can save money
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by pobbywang on

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Coherence Cohesion
Ensure consistent verb tenses throughout your essay. In some instances, you have switched between past and present tenses erroneously, which can make the text harder to follow.
Coherence Cohesion
Your essay's structure would benefit from clear topic sentences that directly relate to the task prompt. These should be followed by supporting sentences that elaborate on the point being made
Task Achievement
The introduction could be strengthened by directly addressing the essay question and clearly stating your main argument or point of view.
Coherence Cohesion
Be mindful of article and preposition usage. There are several instances within your writing where these are either incorrect or missing, which impacts readability.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more relevant and specific examples to support your points. This would help to further convince the reader and add depth to your arguments.
Coherence Cohesion
Pay attention to sentence variety. Mix complex and simple sentence structures to create a more engaging and sophisticated narrative.
Task Achievement
Work on developing a stronger conclusion that does more than simply restate the main points. A conclusion should also provide some final thoughts or a decisive stance on the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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