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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, there are a lot of students who commit suicide each year. What are the reasons for this? What are the solutions?

Recently the issue
has
Correct pronoun usage
that has
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 been brought into focus is that the suicide rate in
students
Use synonyms
becomes
Wrong verb form
has become
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 a norm in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parts of the world. There are many reasons
behind
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apply
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and solutions which could help us reach a deeper understanding of
this
Linking Words
 problem. There is no doubt that
students
Use synonyms
 always feel stressed out because their parents usually exercise a lot of control
due to
Linking Words
 the high expectations.
As a result
Linking Words
, they become much more vulnerable whenever they get reprimanded. The most familiar example of
this
Linking Words
 is in Korea, especially adolescents, usually feel disrespected because their
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
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 keep interfering in their lives. Another reason for
this
Linking Words
 issue is that there are various kinds of
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
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 in life. Some
students
Use synonyms
 are struggling with catching up with their peers.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they are always
self-consious
Correct your spelling
self-conscious
. Big competitions at every school in China
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 generally
as
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apply
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an example of
this
Linking Words
, which partly causes mass die-off annually.
While
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 there have been various attempts to launch campaigns from society, the percentage of
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
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commit
Correct pronoun usage
who commit
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 suicide still rapidly increases. It seems quite clear that parents’ expectations and life competitions negatively influence
on
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apply
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students
Use synonyms
, which has not been solved despite many campaigns.
However
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, there is no denying that mass media is the most powerful instrument. It provides a wide range of information about human rights which is widely disseminated. The most obvious result of
that is
Linking Words
students
Use synonyms
 become well-informed about their rights. To exemplify, in the USA, most of the relevant programs are posted on Facebook, helping millions of people aware of their rights and responsibilities.
Furthermore
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, policies taking the interests of
students
Use synonyms
 into account are indispensable in society. The government should appoint a children's commissioner to scrutinise new legislation for compliance with frameworks.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they are continuously represented in the halls of power. As an example, psychological therapy rooms are always available at every school in the UK with qualified professors to support
students
Use synonyms
 if necessary. In conclusion, it is crucial that over-controlled attitudes from parents and pressures from society are the roots of student suicides. To decline them, families and authorities should behave in
students
Use synonyms
’ best interests.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure logical structure throughout the essay by improving transitions and connections between paragraphs. Use linking phrases to lead the reader from one point to the next, ensuring clarity.
coherence cohesion
Consider including a more distinct introduction that clearly sets out the areas to be discussed. Conclude effectively by summarizing the points and reiterating your answer to the question.
coherence cohesion
Develop main points more fully with extended and detailed examples. Where possible, support assertions with evidence or more in-depth analysis to add weight to your arguments.
task achievement
Address the task more completely by covering all aspects of the prompt in depth. Expand on the reasons for student suicides by bringing in a broader range of explanations and ensuring a more thorough evaluation of solutions.
task achievement
Strive for clear and comprehensive ideas by elaborating on points with more precision and explicitness. Avoid generalizations and strive to provide a deeper analysis of the causes and solutions.
task achievement
Use more relevant and specific examples to illustrate your points. Make sure these examples are directly tied to the reasons and solutions discussed in the essay, and that they clearly support the argument.
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