IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #information #activities #development
A large number have participated in the usage of the internet nowadays
due to
 the significant achievement of internet development,
while
 the leakage of personal
information
 has become more and more severe. Transparent personal
information
 can create a civilized environment and provide safe communication and trade conditions. Social networking benefits us a lot,
while
 there is cyberbullying, online harassment and the spread of
information
 and fake news which not only affect people’s experience online but
also
 influence societal security, yet confirming
information
 about individuals, which is
also
 known as increasing transparency, is supportive in tracing the source of rumour regulating people's online behaviours.
In addition
, completing identification contributes to a more credible online trade that enables people to make safe communication and transactions, preventing fraudulent behaviours of law-breakers.
However
, sharing personal details has its drawbacks
such
 as identity theft and privacy infringement. Shopping applications and social networking internet usually integrate with third-party applications and services, requesting the accession of personal
information
,
then
 those details may be used illegally. First is identity theft,
criminals
Rephrase
where criminals
show examples
 are able to access all the
information
 and pretend
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
 others to commit crimes
such
 as rumour spreading, money launching, and fraud, which terribly damage the safety of society or even damage others’ reputations.
Furthermore
, by owning phone numbers, citizens often get online harassment by various types of advertisements, which is
bothering
Correct pronoun usage
bothering them
show examples
.
Nevertheless
, those informational leakages can be dealt
by
Change preposition
with by
show examples
 bringing serious legislation to conserve personal privacies, forbidding corporations from accessing and selling personal
information
. In conclusion, registering personal private
information
 is beneficial for maintaining societal security,
while
 laws have to be updated to protect people’s privacy.
Submitted by felixdai89 on

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task achievement
The essay does provide a solid attempt to address the topic but lacks clear and concise development of the main points. Aim for a more structured approach wherein each paragraph is dedicated to a single main point with clear, specific examples that support the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows a moderate level of coherence and cohesion. However, it's important to improve the logical flow of ideas and the clarity of the argument. Paragraphs should be clearly constructed, containing one main idea each and logical connectives to ensure a smooth flow of information.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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