Today more people put personal and private information online to do everyday activities such as banking, shopping and socializing. Is this a positive or negative development?
A large number have participated in the usage of the internet nowadays
due to
the significant achievement of internet development, while
the leakage of personal information
has become more and more severe.
Transparent personal information
can create a civilized environment and provide safe communication and trade conditions. Social networking benefits us a lot, while
there is cyberbullying, online harassment and the spread of information
and fake news which not only affect people’s experience online but also
influence societal security, yet confirming information
about individuals, which is also
known as increasing transparency, is supportive in tracing the source of rumour regulating people's online behaviours. In addition
, completing identification contributes to a more credible online trade that enables people to make safe communication and transactions, preventing fraudulent behaviours of law-breakers.
However
, sharing personal details has its drawbacks such
as identity theft and privacy infringement. Shopping applications and social networking internet usually integrate with third-party applications and services, requesting the accession of personal information
, then
those details may be used illegally. First is identity theft, criminals
are able to access all the Rephrase
where criminals
information
and pretend as
others to commit crimes Change preposition
to
such
as rumour spreading, money launching, and fraud, which terribly damage the safety of society or even damage others’ reputations. Furthermore
, by owning phone numbers, citizens often get online harassment by various types of advertisements, which is bothering
. Correct pronoun usage
bothering them
Nevertheless
, those informational leakages can be dealt by
bringing serious legislation to conserve personal privacies, forbidding corporations from accessing and selling personal Change preposition
with by
information
.
In conclusion, registering personal private information
is beneficial for maintaining societal security, while
laws have to be updated to protect people’s privacy.Submitted by felixdai89 on
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task achievement
The essay does provide a solid attempt to address the topic but lacks clear and concise development of the main points. Aim for a more structured approach wherein each paragraph is dedicated to a single main point with clear, specific examples that support the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows a moderate level of coherence and cohesion. However, it's important to improve the logical flow of ideas and the clarity of the argument. Paragraphs should be clearly constructed, containing one main idea each and logical connectives to ensure a smooth flow of information.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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