IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #situation #job #shortage #money #situations
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Society speculates that
people
Use synonyms
 may be accepting
such
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 uncomfortable jobs and less funds as their destiny.
Conversely
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, the others ensure it can be an improvement through the situation. I agree that employees nowadays must struggle with several situations to get to a higher place. On the one hand, an unsatisfied environment can impact the mental health of
people
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.
For instance
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, a person who works overtime usually gets stressed than a person who works at an appropriate time.
Whereas
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 those who
work
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 overtime often
to
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apply
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get a higher salary, their mental health will lead to several disorders
such
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 as insomnia. In the end, working in an unproductive time will bring some drawbacks.
On the other hand
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, society ensures that various things can
we
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be
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 achieved
while
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 working in companies. Others believe that unsatisfied
work
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neighborhoods
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neighbourhoods
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 can improve our several skills.
Firstly
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, we can improve our time-management skills because of the congested
work
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 responsibility. With the many numbers of projects we solved before,
Secondly
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, we can learn how to manage the responsibility properly.
Furthermore
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,
people
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 who
work
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 hard may get a higher chance of being promoted to other positions and get a better life. As aforementioned above, In conclusion,
people
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 may insist on working overtime to get more salary which leads to some drawbacks.
However
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, the
work
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 environment can be positive for some
people
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 who can manage their time and responsibility properly. In my opinion,
people
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 must be trying and struggling
of
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with
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 what they must improve their individuals. So they can face other problems and solve them by themselves.
Submitted by re.li on

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coherence cohesion
You need to clearly present your main points with stronger topic sentences that guide the reader through your argument. Your essay lacks clear transitions and discourse markers that help in achieving coherence.
task achievement
While you address the prompt, your response does not fully develop both sides of the argument. You should provide more in-depth analysis and specific examples to back up your points. The conclusion can be enhanced by summarizing the key points before stating your opinion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adversity
  • resilience
  • stoicism
  • contentment
  • cope
  • adapt
  • endure
  • persevere
  • settle
  • ambition
  • tenacious
  • determined
  • resourceful
  • optimistic
  • self-improvement
  • proactive
  • initiative
  • transform
  • overcome
  • confront
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