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Band 5

SCIENCE ADVANCED SO MUCH THAT IT CAN NOW MAKE IT POSSIBLE FOR PEOPLE TO LIVE 100 YEARS OR EVEN 200 YEARS. SOME PEOPLE THINK ITS A GOOD THING, WHILE OTHERS THINK IT IS BAD… DISCUSS BOTH THESE VIEWS AND WRITE YOUR OPINION

#science #people #years #bad…
Having a long life span of more than 100 years is now possible
due to
 the
advancments
Correct your spelling
advances
 of science.
While
 some
people
 consider
this
 phenomenon as a
psitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 matter since
this
 can help individuals, especially those with a professional degree, to contribute more to their country, there are others who believe that providing old
people
 a longer period of time will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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cost an extra charge for governments. On the one hand, the longer life span is said to be beneficial for the productivity of each society.
People
 who are given the chance to live longer are
also
 able to work longer for their country. It means that individuals who have been founded by officials to study in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public schools and universities
,
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apply
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 will be able to work for a longer period of time
,
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apply
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 if they live longer.
For instance
, it takes more than 12 years of higher education for someone to be a general physician,
while
Correct word choice
and
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 most of its costs are provided by governments. So If
such
 professionals are able to live more to contribute to their society after their graduation, it will be beneficial for the economy of a country.
On the other hand
, old
people
 who are given the chance of living more than 100 years will be an extra burden on the shoulders of authorities. As
people
 grow older, they
wil
Correct your spelling
will
be needing
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
 more medical care on a regular basis. In
such
 circumstances, a great proportion of medical facilities and
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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 will be obliged to give services to these old
people
. So, authorities should spend more money to keep their
health care
Correct your spelling
healthcare
show examples
 system
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 properly. In conclusion,
although
 science
have
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has
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help
Wrong verb form
helped
show examples
 humans to live for a longer period of time, and as some believe
this
help
Change the verb form
helps
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 those who live longer to contribute to their society more,
this
 trend
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 raised some concerns with regard to the extra costs related to the health care system. I believe
this
 phenomenon is generally a positive matter because negative aspects could be managed ahead to be reduced in the future.
Submitted by greatsoloist on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure the logical flow of ideas by using a clear topic sentence for each paragraph, followed by supporting sentences, and a concluding sentence. Work on creating a more cohesive link between sentences within paragraphs.
Task Achievement
The essay presents an adequate treatment of the task with a response that addresses both views. However, it could benefit from more detailed development and the use of examples that are directly relevant to the arguments being presented.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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