IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All over the world , societies are facing a growing problem with obesity.This problem affects both children and adults.What are the reasons for this rise in obesity? How could it be tackled ?

Over the
last
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 few years , it has become
significant
Add an article
a significant
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problem
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 for children and
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also
Rephrase
apply
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adults to become unhealthy .Today , many
people
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 often consider eating fast
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
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 as an unimportant thing , and they want to eat more and more fast
food
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instead
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 of homemade
food
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.In my country , the
problem
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 is becoming worse and worse , and it is important to take steps to prevent eating unhealthy foods.
This
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 essay will look at the main causes of the
problem
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 and propose some solutions. One of the reasons so many
people
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 are obese is that they eat junk
food
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, like hamburgers, chips or fried chicken It might be the reason
of
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apply
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people
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 are getting tired
to spend
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of spending
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 time
to cook
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cooking
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food
Use synonyms
 at home.The solution is for the government to increase tax on
this
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 kind of fast
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
.
Besides
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 , there is another reason , which is
tey
Correct your spelling
they
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 tend to become indolent.As technology advances ,
people
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's jobs set off easier and they look good on coach potatoes more and more .To ameliorate
this
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problem
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 ,
government
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the government
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 should increase
tax
Correct article usage
the tax
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 on electricity to prevent
and
Correct word choice
apply
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obesity which is caused
to
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by
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people
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 who are not easily aroused to activity. Another cause of obesity is that most both children and adults do not get enough physical exercise .One of the biggest
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
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 for
this
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 is
that is
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 more high-cost to do sport or
going
Wrong verb form
go
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 to a gym
that
Correct word choice
than
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 it used to be.In many countries , the monthly fees for using a gym are more than £50 which means many
people
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 might not afford it The solution is
government
Correct article usage
the government
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shoukd
Correct your spelling
should
 decrease the tax
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 using gyms and
together with
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this
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 ,
people
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 should not rely on the gym ,
instead
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 they should try to prepare themselves at home.
To sum up
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 ,
instead
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 of
complain
Wrong verb form
complaining
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 about comfortabilities of gyms , children and adults can easily even walk every single day to prevent and reduce overweighting .

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task achievement
Ensure complete coverage of the task by addressing both parts of the question comprehensively. You've addressed reasons and solutions, but more development is needed.
task achievement
Work on providing clearer and more comprehensive ideas by developing each point thoroughly and ensuring your explanations are fleshed out.
task achievement
Include more relevant specific examples to support your points. This can involve studies, statistics, personal observations or detailed scenarios.
coherence cohesion
Organize your essay into clear logical paragraphs. Each paragraph should contain one central idea and be followed clearly by the subsequent paragraph.
coherence cohesion
Make sure an introduction and conclusion are present, but also ensure that they clearly outline the topic and summarize the main points respectively.
coherence cohesion
Support your main points with clear explanations or examples. Avoid overly general statements that do not add value to your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Obesity
  • Overweight
  • Epidemic
  • Sedentary
  • Processed food
  • Fast food
  • Nutritional education
  • Awareness
  • Stress
  • Emotional eating
  • Genetic factors
  • Access
  • Healthy food options
  • Marketing
  • Urbanization
  • Lifestyles
What to do next:
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