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Band 4.5

Some believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

#believe #opportunities #generation #companies #level #employees
A death of employment is a headache for many nations which
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
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 rise to a very interesting question : are enterprises better off retiring their old workers earlier than 55 years in order to create more jobs and promotions for
youngsters
 ? Understandably,
this
 would open fresh opportunities for our youth;
however
,
i
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I
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 do not completely agree because
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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elderly
employees
 are
also
 vital for a company's growth. The main reason why I agree that the current norm of retirement age should be lowered stems from the fact that joblessness and a sense of career stagnation are prevalent among our young generation. It is a simple mathematics that
lesser
Correct article usage
the lesser
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 the number of old
employees
 in
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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, the more
youngmen
Correct your spelling
young people
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 will take up those vacancies.
This
 is auspicious in a way that a youngster not only
get
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gets
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 a job but could
also
improves
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improve
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 his quality of life. Another rationale, I opine, in the favour of
youngsters
 if old
people
 retire earlier is that it could potentially
accelarate
Correct your spelling
accelerate
 the career growth of a young professional.Given the fact that
old aged
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old-aged
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employees
 often occupy higher positions in a company,
such
 as that of CEO, Manager and so on, it is likely for young professionals to be promoted to fill those positions in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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companies where
people
 are not allowed to work after the age of 55 years. Having said that,
an
Correct article usage
the
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 indispensable
business
 experience of old
employees
 cannot be ignored and is vital for a company's progress.
for
Capitalize word
For
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 example,
Correct word choice
apply
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whereas
 their years of expertise in various
business
 domains are crucial for framing
business
 policies in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
changing market dynamics,
such
 experience is
also
 necessary to train new
employees
 to increase their productivity. In conclusion, the success of a
business
 involves
interplay
Add an article
the interplay
an interplay
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 of various factors which
also
 requires a combination of
vigor
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vigour
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 and experience.
Although
youngsters
 can bring novel ideas and new energy
in
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to
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workplaces,
resultantly
Correct your spelling
resulting
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,
diminishing
Change preposition
in diminishing
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 the youth's unemployment rate and
also
 helping them
in gaining
Wrong verb form
gain
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a promotion at work, the past
business
 accomplishments of
people
 in their 50s
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
also
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
paramount significance in order to mentor and guide young apprentices.
Therefore
, I somewhat believe that the
people
 retiring earlier have plausible benefits for our
youngsters
.
Submitted by rohit.narad90 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay is generally clear but could benefit from a more cohesive structure. Use clear topic sentences to lead each paragraph, and ensure that there is a clear connection between each idea. Logical connectors need to be used more effectively to guide the reader through your argument without confusion.
task achievement
You present a response that somewhat addresses the task. However, the position throughout the response is sometimes unclear. Providing clear and consistent opinions in the introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion strengthens the argument. In addition, make sure that all parts of the task are addressed equally and relevant examples are provided to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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