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Band 3.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
Nowadays there is a big difference between how children spend their leisure time in the past times by the effect of innovation.
While
 I understand digital literacy is one of the biggest advantages, I believe that the drawbacks outweigh the benefits. One evident advantage of spending the most time on screen is digital literacy. Most children and teenagers are obsessed with playing video games online and
while
 playing they should solve riddles fast, communicate with other people, and manage their hero to do its best. These are the ways people can improve their problem-solving and communication skills, which help them to
do teamwork
Verb problem
work
show examples
 well. In spite of the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 mentioned above, I believe that the way in which they use their digital device is a negative measure.
In other words
, they have a lack of physical activity than the people who are less connected to their phones or laptops, which leads to some serious illnesses.
For example
, obesity or heart disease
due to
 high cholesterol may end up with
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
death. On the condition that they had not caused any illnesses, they would have an effect on their study.
Because exercise
Correct word choice
Exercise
show examples
 provides blood to get to the brain which helps students
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
concentrated
Wrong verb form
concentrate
show examples
.
To sum up
, it seems to me that, being addicted to the digital world has more dangers than benefits.
Submitted by yoqubjonovjamshidbek23 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks clear paragraphing which affects the overall logical structure. You should start by introducing the topic, develop two or three paragraphs for the main body each with a clear central idea and supporting arguments, and then conclude your essay with a summary of your main points.
task achievement
You have attempted to answer the question but your response is not entirely complete. You should ensure that both advantages and disadvantages are clearly outlined and weighed against each other in order to effectively argue whether one set outweighs the other. Your thesis statement could be clearer to strengthen your position.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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