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Band 3

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extent do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
It is true that recently
people
's
life
expecture
Replace the word
expectations have
show examples
 increased
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with
previous
Add an article
the previous
show examples
 decade. There are positive and negative sides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 occurrence. There are many advantages of
high
Replace the word
a highly
show examples
 ageing population. regarding each global
aspects
Fix the agreement mistake
aspect
show examples
.
Firstly
, the average country living statistics are provided by
life
 expecture.
Consequently
, If lived ages or
long
Replace the word
longer
show examples
, the average situation
become
Change the verb form
becomes
show examples
 better.
Therefore
 rank of
country
Add an article
the country
show examples
 among others would rise in different ways
such
 as level of happiness, satisfaction
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
life
 and
life
expecture
Correct your spelling
expectations
.
Secondly
, it is obvious that
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
life
 is a result of
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
strong health and
great
Correct article usage
a great
show examples
 level of medicine. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is believed that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern technology may develop local wellness
as well as
 endurance.
On the other hand
, living longer creates few problems for other individuals. At
first,
it may cause
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
argue
Replace the word
argument
show examples
 between
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 and
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
people
. Even elderly
people
 do not work,
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 must give
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
them
show examples
 money every month, which means the bigger
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of long
aeging
Correct your spelling
ageing
, the greater
expence
Correct your spelling
expense
 for the economy. The
last
 disadvantage is not surprising, since many
people
 know that old
people
's mind is affected by dementia or other mental diseases, so they may
provide
Verb problem
have
show examples
bad
Add an article
a bad
the bad
show examples
 relationship with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
as a result
 of their misunderstanding. In conclusion,
people
 have different views about living longer. And it may have as
benefits
Correct word choice
many benefits
show examples
 as drawbacks
equally
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.
Submitted by ronadeclaro on

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Task Achievement
For task achievement, ensure a more balanced and detailed discussion of both sides of the argument with a clear position throughout the essay. Try to address the topic more directly and fully
Coherence & Cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, structure your essay more logically, using clear paragraphing, and ensure a more clear progression of ideas throughout. Use a wider range of cohesive devices to improve the cohesion between sentences and ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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