Some parents are worried about the increasing level of violence in TV,vido games & other types of entertainment for children's leisure. How does this affect children? How do you think problem can be tackled?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, violence spread by TV shows, video games or online entertainment has increased parents’ concerns.
This
may be because
children
would imitate the behaviour in those media
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
since they are too young to self-critic what is acceptable and what is forbidden.
This
essay will first discuss how
this
process negatively influences
Children
, followed by a potential solution. In general, being too young to identify harmful
information
is one reason why
children
would
Verb problem
are
show examples
easily influenced by it.
For instance
, the manufacturer of video games would increase the content of violent interactions for better stimulation of the user’s sensation.
This
could be acceptable for adult users because they could distinguish what is real and what is virtualization.
However
, for young
children
, that stimulation may be way too much,
due to
their inability to self-critic the message they accepted.
Thus
this
may raise their intention to imitate because they would believe that’s normal. Based on the above discussion, one potential solution could be setting a mandatory age-limited
system
for some media containing certain sensitive or violent
information
. Actually,
this
classification
system
Add the auxiliary verb
system has
show examples
already been applied in certain countries. Based on the sensitivity of the
information
, an age limit would be
setting
Change the form of the verb
set
show examples
for certain
information
.
As a result
, young
children
may not receive
this
information
additionally
reduces the potential negative influence.
On the other hand
,
this
system
would
also
benefit a parent, since they would acknowledge which
information
is suitable and
also
Rephrase
apply
show examples
allowable for their own
children
, which would decrease their concern about the violence problem. In conclusion,
children
’s lack of ability to identify the right or wrong of the
information
is an important reason for those violence concerns.
Therefore
, an age-based classification
system
would benefit
this
problem because it would limit
children
to
receive
Verb problem
apply
show examples
that
information
.
Submitted by heimli6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the logical flow of your essay by improving the connections between the points made. Use cohesive devices to enhance the readability and coherence of your writing.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate the main points covered in the essay. While there is structure, it can be improved for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your main ideas are supported, but to achieve a higher score, provide more detailed development of each point with specific evidence or examples.
task achievement
Your response covers the task requirements, but it could be more complete and fully developed. Ensure that your answer fully addresses all parts of the prompt.
task achievement
Expound upon your ideas with greater clarity and depth to fully communicate your points. Avoid being too general; your ideas should be easily identified and understood.
task achievement
Incorporate more relevant and specific examples to substantiate your arguments, which will help to strengthen the essay and provide concrete evidence for your claims.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Aggression
  • Desensitization
  • Empathy
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Screen time
  • Media literacy
  • Parental supervision
  • Regulations
  • Social skills
  • Critical analysis
  • Mental health
  • Constructive activities
  • Cognitive development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: