IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people argue that young people are unfit for holding significant positions in the government, while others maintain that it is beneficial for them to occupy such roles. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #positions #government #roles
In recent decades, running the country has been predominantly considered a task for the elderly. Today, the trend is for an increasing number of young
people
 to hold government positions.
While
 most
people
 believe that it should not be done, many others consider it to be a common practice. In my opinion, leadership should be left in the hands of young
people
. On one hand, some
people
 believe that the younger generation can govern the country more effectively, and I concur.
This
 is because they are full of life and energy. These
people
 are dynamic and possess the ability to ensure that citizens adhere to the rules and regulations. They have the energy to move around the community and attend to matters at various times to guarantee that everything is handled correctly.
Moreover
, these adults are full of ideas and follow rapidly developing technological trends.
For example
, they are referred to as the computer generation, differentiating them from the most recent advancements in computer technology that are essential for national progress.
On the other hand
,
people
 often think that leadership positions should not be held by young
people
. Leadership roles require experience, and
this
 is an important trait that most
people
 don't have. Experience comes with age.
For example
, a community dominated by an older group will often engage in conversations about war. Another reason why young
people
 may not be a better choice is that they make hasty decisions that they start to regret after some time.
This
 is because most of them are very enthusiastic and tend to jump to conclusions about things immediately, which may endanger the lives of citizens. All in all,
although
 opinions may vary, I believe that young stars have a greater opportunity to secure significant roles within the government.
Submitted by yuqingchen10 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

introduction conclusion present
Your essay needs a clearer introduction that outlines the purpose of the essay and your stand on the topic. Make sure to have a thesis statement at the end of your introduction.
logical structure
Main ideas should be clearly stated at the beginning of each paragraph. Develop a more structured flow, with transitions between paragraphs to guide the reader through your arguments.
supported main points
Support each of your main points with specific examples rather than general statements. These examples will enhance the strength of your argument and provide further clarity.
complete response
While you have touched on both sides of the argument, your response should be more balanced and fully developed. Avoid making broad generalizations without substantial evidence. Make sure each point is sufficiently expanded upon to meet the task achievement criteria.
clear comprehensive ideas
Increase clarity by elaborating on your ideas and ensuring that each paragraph expands upon a single, clear idea. Use a range of sentence structures and vocabulary to clearly convey comprehensive ideas.
relevant specific examples
To score higher on task achievement, use more relevant, detailed examples to substantiate your points. Rather than mentioning general concepts, illustrate your points with clear, specific scenarios or real-life situations.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: