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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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There is a growing issue
amongst
Change preposition
in
show examples
 society regarding the excessive usage of
smartphones
for
Change preposition
by
show examples
children
.
This
 issue arises from the fact that spending hours on
smartphones
 brings a lot of fun for
children
. Despite the valuable knowledge that
children
 can obtain from their
gadgets
, the adverse effects of
smartphones
 are essential to consider for several reasons. In recent times, technology has been rapidly increasing, enabling people to live more comfortably, and
children
 are no exception.
Children
 using
gadgets
 on a daily basis is a common trend
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since
gadgets
 provide various forms of entertainment from them. Once they find out their
smartphones
 can bring pleasure
for
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to
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 them, they tend to immerse themselves into
smartphones
, spending hours on their
gadgets
.
Subsequently
, using
gadgets
Change preposition
at in
show examples
in
Correct your spelling
an
show examples
 early
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 is
also
 beneficial, particularly for students . It can provide vast valuable information and knowledge they need to support their study.
For instance
, in doing homework,
children
 may find an answer or solution to difficult questions in math by googling YouTube on their
smartphones
, which their parents may have no capabilities to help them.
Hence
,
gadgets
 are beneficial to support
children
’s development, especially in
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
. In
this
 case, the usage of
smartphones
 is a positive development.
Nevertheless
, adverse outcomes often arise
as a result
 of
an
Correct article usage
the
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 excessive
use
 of
smartphones
. The extensive
use
on
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of
show examples
smartphones
 may affect both
physical
Correct article usage
the physical
show examples
 and mental health of
children
.
For example
, the long period of
use
 on
smartphones
 may lead
children
 to
use
 glasses at a very young age.
Moreover
,
children
 often
have
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
capabilities
Correct article usage
the capabilities
show examples
in managing
Change preposition
to manage
show examples
 their time.
This
 leads them to
use
gadgets
 during their
bed time
Correct your spelling
bedtime
show examples
.
This
 situation may lead to difficulties concentrating in their schools and
face
Verb problem
apply
show examples
difficulties in making friends in real life. In the long term,
this
 may affect their mental health. To summarize, the existence of
smartphones
 in
this
 modern day brings pleasure for
children
, and often helps them with their studies.
Nonetheless
, I firmly believe that the adverse effects of
over usage
Correct your spelling
overusing
show examples
gadgets
 are vital to consider as the drawbacks of
this
 development.
Submitted by e.warikar on

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Task Achievement
Task Achievement: Your essay does address the topic and provides a clear position. However, to improve task completion, ensure that each point raised answers the questions specifically and is developed into a comprehensive argument. It is important to also delve deeper when discussing whether the development is positive or negative, considering the essay prompt asks for your evaluation of this.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay demonstrates some organization, with paragraphs and clear topic sentences. However, improve on the logical flow of ideas; some arguments jump abruptly from one point to another. Use a range of cohesive devices to ensure a smoother connection between ideas and maintain the essay flow. Avoid repetition of ideas to enhance coherence. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points presented in the essay without introducing new information.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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