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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

There is a growing issue
amongst
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in
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 society regarding the excessive usage of
smartphones
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for
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by
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children
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.
This
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 issue arises from the fact that spending hours on
smartphones
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 brings a lot of fun for
children
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. Despite the valuable knowledge that
children
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 can obtain from their
gadgets
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, the adverse effects of
smartphones
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 are essential to consider for several reasons. In recent times, technology has been rapidly increasing, enabling people to live more comfortably, and
children
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 are no exception.
Children
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 using
gadgets
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 on a daily basis is a common trend
,
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apply
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 since
gadgets
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 provide various forms of entertainment from them. Once they find out their
smartphones
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 can bring pleasure
for
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to
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 them, they tend to immerse themselves into
smartphones
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, spending hours on their
gadgets
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.
Subsequently
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, using
gadgets
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at in
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in
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an
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 early
ages
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age
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 is
also
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 beneficial, particularly for students . It can provide vast valuable information and knowledge they need to support their study.
For instance
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, in doing homework,
children
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 may find an answer or solution to difficult questions in math by googling YouTube on their
smartphones
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, which their parents may have no capabilities to help them.
Hence
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,
gadgets
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 are beneficial to support
children
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’s development, especially in
study
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studies
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. In
this
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 case, the usage of
smartphones
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 is a positive development.
Nevertheless
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, adverse outcomes often arise
as a result
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 of
an
Correct article usage
the
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 excessive
use
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 of
smartphones
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. The extensive
use
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on
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of
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smartphones
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 may affect both
physical
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the physical
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 and mental health of
children
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.
For example
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, the long period of
use
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 on
smartphones
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 may lead
children
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 to
use
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 glasses at a very young age.
Moreover
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,
children
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 often
have
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do
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 not
had
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have
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capabilities
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the capabilities
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in managing
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to manage
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 their time.
This
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 leads them to
use
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gadgets
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 during their
bed time
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bedtime
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.
This
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 situation may lead to difficulties concentrating in their schools and
face
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apply
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difficulties in making friends in real life. In the long term,
this
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 may affect their mental health. To summarize, the existence of
smartphones
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 in
this
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 modern day brings pleasure for
children
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, and often helps them with their studies.
Nonetheless
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, I firmly believe that the adverse effects of
over usage
Correct your spelling
overusing
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gadgets
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 are vital to consider as the drawbacks of
this
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 development.

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Task Achievement
Task Achievement: Your essay does address the topic and provides a clear position. However, to improve task completion, ensure that each point raised answers the questions specifically and is developed into a comprehensive argument. It is important to also delve deeper when discussing whether the development is positive or negative, considering the essay prompt asks for your evaluation of this.
Coherence and Cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: Your essay demonstrates some organization, with paragraphs and clear topic sentences. However, improve on the logical flow of ideas; some arguments jump abruptly from one point to another. Use a range of cohesive devices to ensure a smoother connection between ideas and maintain the essay flow. Avoid repetition of ideas to enhance coherence. Additionally, ensure that your conclusion effectively summarizes the main points presented in the essay without introducing new information.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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