IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

2.What is your proudest non-academic achievement?1.Please share your motivation for undertaking this programme?

#achievement #motivation #programme
My motivation for enrolling in
this
 program emanates from my desire to distinguish myself from others who will work in the investment banking sector. A specialized education is essential for thriving in
this
 competitive field. From a young age, I participated as a representative of my school in various mathematics and logic competitions. I enjoyed finding out how to solve mathematical problems and calculations.
This
 aspiration guided my choice to seek a job involving numerical concepts. During my undergraduate studies, I had
special
Add an article
a special
show examples
 interest in courses related to finance became evident.
Therefore
, I started investigating the different areas within the financial domain, discovering that investment banking fits best with my expectation of a dream job. To ensure that my decision was right, I contacted friends of my parents who worked in
this
 field, they gave me informational conversations, which provided me with an understanding of the responsibilities, challenges, and expectations of the career. After the talks, I am confident that my chosen path aligns with my long-term aspirations. In the short term, after finishing the course, I would like to work in a large company. Recognizing my current knowledge, I need to deepen my specialization to excel in investment banking.
Consequently
, I am convinced that
this
 program will equip me with the understanding and expertise to succeed.
Submitted by elenazheng1211 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates clear progression and structure, with logical sequencing of information. However, aim to improve the use of cohesive devices and topic sentences to enhance the readability and flow of your writing.
task achievement
While you addressed the prompt, your response could be improved by ensuring complete coverage of the task requirements. Develop your ideas further and provide more detailed examples to substantiate your motivation.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: