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Writing Samples
Band 5

using social media as facebook,twitter is replacing face to face communication in this century. do you think advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
It is undeniable that social media has played a prominent part in our previous lives, which presents a significant impact on people's lifestyles. In my opinion, the population find social publishing easier to use and the advantages more than disadvantages.
Body · 1
convincing arguments can be made that Facebook Twitter and Instagram created a new technology which makes them more beneficial than individual
link
Fix the agreement mistake
links
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. To start with, the upgrade of the old-school strategy leads students and businessmen to a new generation that provides an easier lifestyle.
In other words
Linking Words
, one can easily keep in touch with several members in the same time period;
Therefore
Linking Words
, they would certainly be fostered to save their own money.
Moreover
Linking Words
, research has found that being educated with a significant group of community will improve comprehensive and cognitive skills dramatically.
For instance
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, some universities use specific apps for teaching students, and most of them are video calls,
As a result
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, they are more able to obtain an enormous information at the same time.
Lastly
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, specifically, the majority have more benefits from using social media in order to achieve their tasks and jobs much better than face-to-face communication.
Body · 2
admittedly,
physical
Add an article
the physical
a physical
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 connection might have some distractions. the reason for
that is
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 communities are more likely to have their own private place in order to feel more comfortable.
However
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, they need more time to break their limit of being shy.
Furthermore
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, if one member company needs an emergency meeting for a specific issue, they need to purchase a huge amount of money in order to travel to communicate face to face.
Conclusion
In conclusion, having considered all the arguments above, I would conclude that using old-school conversation has fewer advantages.
Linking Words
While using
Correct word choice
Using
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 social media has more benefits
overall
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 and
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
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 people to be in
close
Correct article usage
a close
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 cycle.

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Task Achievement
Introduction could be enhanced by presenting a clearer thesis statement that directly addresses the question of whether the advantages of social media outweigh the disadvantages.
Task Achievement
Work on developing a clear position throughout the response, ensuring that all points made clearly support your overall argument in relation to the task question.
Coherence and Cohesion
Body paragraphs need clearer topic sentences that map out what the paragraph will discuss; this will help in guiding the reader through the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a wider range of cohesive devices and paragraphing effectively to improve the structure and flow of the essay.
Task Achievement and Coherence and Cohesion
Include more specific and relevant examples to support your points, ensuring they are clearly linked to the question.
Coherence and Cohesion
Pay attention to spelling ('Facebook Twitter and Instagram' should be punctuated correctly as 'Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram'), grammar, and punctuation to improve overall coherence.
Task Achievement
Conclude your essay with a restated position and a summary of the main points discussed, reinforcing your argument.
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