IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

some children spend hours everyday on smartphone. why is this the case? do you think is a positive or negative development.

#children #hours #smartphone #case #development
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Nowadays we realise that we live and grow with
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 advances.
People
living
Wrong verb form
live
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 with using
tecnology
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technology
 and everything we do is always with
tecnology
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technology
.
Development
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The development
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 of
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
bring
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brings
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effect
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an effect
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to
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on
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people
 including children.
As a result
, young
people
 tend to spend
time
 with their
smartphone
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smartphones
show examples
. One of
negative
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the negative
show examples
development
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developments
show examples
 is communication difficulties. it will be difficult for them to communicate and interact with other
peoplw
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people
 because they enjoy
with
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apply
show examples
themselves. It
is makes
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makes
show examples
 them choose to have a private life.
for instance
, young
people
 like to meet their friends
through
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apply
show examples
online rather than in person because they think it is easy and do not waste
time
. Another issue is that cause mental issue in
youth
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the youth
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 generation. Mental disorder comes to
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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the habit of
selfish
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being selfish
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 and being individualistic. it happens in
young
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the young
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 generation. They have mental
problem
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problems
show examples
 because they tend to spend
time
 with
themselve
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themselves
 and feel bad
of
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about
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 that.
For example
,
government
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the government
show examples
 recorded information about a lot of young
people
 generation who get panic
attack
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attacks
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, bipolar disorder and
other
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others
show examples
.
To sum up
, many children choose
ti
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to
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 take their
time
 with
gadget
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gadgets
show examples
 as an impact
from
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of
show examples
 high
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 but it has
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 development
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
socializing
Replace the word
social
show examples
skill
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skills
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 and mental health.
Submitted by misstiasclassroom on

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Structure
Ensure that the introduction presents a clear statement of the essay's purpose or main argument, and that the conclusion effectively summarizes or restates this argument in relation to the discussion presented. Currently, the introduction and conclusion are lacking a clear thesis statement and summary.
Organization
Develop logical and organized paragraphs, each with a clear main idea followed by supporting sentences. This essay shows a weakness in paragraph structure and logical progression of ideas.
Support
Provide specific and relevant examples to support points made in the essay. The examples currently used lack detail and specificity, and thus, do not effectively support the arguments.
Completeness
Fully address both parts of the question in a balanced manner, providing a more complete response to why children spend hours everyday on smartphones and whether it is a positive or negative development. Expand on the ideas to show clear and comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
What to do next:
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