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Band 4.5

As the demand for oil and gas continues to rise, there is a growing need to explore these energy sources in remote locations. Do you believe the benefits of exploiting these areas outweigh the drawbacks of causing environmental damage?

#demand #oil #gas #rise #energy #sources #locations #areas #damage
It is argued that more remote areas should be exploited for exploring deposit of oil and gas as the demand
of
Change preposition
for
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 these energy sources
grow
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grows
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 constantly.
Although
 the exploration can be done easily as the
locations
 are not developed yet, I believe that the drawback of
destorying
Correct your spelling
destroying
natural
Correct article usage
the natural
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 habitat of wildlife
animals
outweighes
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the benefit. On the one hand, most rural areas are undeveloped,
therefore
 it is easier to exploit those
locations
 for energy sources. Many mining companies choose remote
locations
 to dig in not only because there are higher chance
for
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of
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 having oil and gas
deposit
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deposits
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, but
also
 because it does not affect anyone as no people are living there. Most of the time developing these
area
Fix the agreement mistake
areas
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 does not conflict with the existing city development plans, so it is much easier to do
large scale
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large-scale
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 excavation there.
Furthermore
, not
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
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 tidy-up jobs are needed after the exploration,
further
 reducing the cost needed for the exploration.
However
,
although
 people are not affected by the exploitation, there are detrimental effects on the lives of local wildlife
animals
.
Due to
 the
absent
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absence
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 of human intervention a wide diversity of species can be observed in those remote areas. But if their natural habitats are disturbed by the introduction of digging machines, the
animals
 will lose their homes and even face extinction.
For instance
, research has found that African lions lose their place to hunt and live
due to
 the air and water pollution caused by exploitation activities .
As a result
, they are now listed as endangered species. In conclusion, it is my belief that the benefit of easier exploitation in remote
locations
 does not outweigh the devastating effects on wildlife
animals
.
Submitted by jackcityone on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay contains a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Develop each main point in separate paragraphs and connect them logically.
coherence cohesion
Expand on your main ideas with more detailed examples and a wider range of linking phrases. This would enrich the textual flow and clarity of your arguments.
task achievement
Fully address all parts of the task with a clear position throughout your response. Develop your argument more comprehensively with a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, followed by a reasoned conclusion reflecting your opinion.
task achievement
Always provide relevant, detailed examples to support your main points. Such examples add weight to your arguments and demonstrate practical application of your ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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