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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The number of old people is increasing in many countries. Some people think this causes problems, whilst other people think that old people have an important role to play. How far do you agree or disagree

#people #countries #whilst #role
The population of old
people
in
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apply
show examples
all around
world
Correct article usage
the world
show examples
 is an increasingly
worring
Correct your spelling
worrying
 issue. Some
people
 believe it has many grave consequences,
while
rest
Correct article usage
the rest
show examples
 of
people
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the people
show examples
 are of the opinion that
play
Change the verb form
plays
show examples
 a key role in
society
.
This
 essay will discuss both and provide my personal opinion. On the one hand, it is argued that old
people
 benefit our
society
.
To begin
 with,
this
 is supported by the fact that they are not only
knowlegeable
Correct your spelling
knowledgeable
, but
also
 experienced. Thereby making them act successfully in
society
.
For example
,
rate
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the rate
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 of
criminal
Replace the word
crime
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 among old
people
are
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is
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 considerably lower than
youth
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among youth
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.
In addition
, they can help
people
in
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with
show examples
 various types of
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
, so
people
 especially young
people
 can choose the best way in their lives.
Therefore
, it is somehow plausible why some
people
 believe they play
key
Add an article
a key
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 role in
society
.
On the other hand
, the need to consider economics is
also
 felt.
Firstly
, most of them cannot work efficiently even some of them cannot work ,so they are detrimental
for
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to
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econemics
Correct your spelling
economics
 and we cannot boost
econemics
Correct your spelling
economics
economic
. Take developed countries as an example, they
dont
Correct your spelling
don't
 allow old
people
 to immigrate to their countries
due to
 their ages.
Moreover
, governments have to spend large sums of money to provide decent healthcare for them and
also
 prepare some specific facilities
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 significant numbers of them have limited movement.
As a result
, it can be certainly said that
increasing
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the increasing
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 number of old
people
 is considered a negative trend. All
thing
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things
show examples
 considered,
although
 there are some plus points in increasing
number
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the number
show examples
 of old
people
, it is
obviaous
Correct your spelling
obvious
 it has many grave consequences
such
 as making
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in terms of
econemics
Correct your spelling
economics
economic
 and providing proper health care and facilities.
Submitted by behshad_arabzadeh on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay lacks a clear, logical structure which makes it harder to follow. Make sure to outline your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and be followed by supporting sentences.
task achievement
You need to clearly state your position on the issue. This essay partially addresses all parts of the task. However, it is important to develop your arguments and viewpoints fully to achieve higher clarity and to comprehensively address the task.
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