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Writing Samples /
Band 3

fast food idustry is having negative effects on our health? Do you agree or disagree?

#food #idustry #effects #health
The rising number of fast food chains from
McDonalds
Change noun form
Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
show examples
 to KFC are posing adverse effects on the health of individuals. I agree with
this
 statement because these
foods
 increase the number of obese individuals and discourage the consumption of fresh
foods
. There
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 to be many overweight people
witht
Correct your spelling
with
 the eruption of new junk outlets.
This
 is because a large proportion of these
foods
 are prepared in
very
Add an article
a very
show examples
 short time, which involves frying with highly unsaturated fats that will ultimately result in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 rise in the level of bad cholesterol and triglycerides . These
therefore
 lead to Obesity and other metabolic syndromes.
For example
, when I completely gave up KFC fries, I was able to lose 5kg in a period of three months. A person who feeds on
this
 sort of diet is deprived of freshly sourced ingredients
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
that provide more nutrients. Most restaurants like Burger Chicken and the rest do not make all their sales in a day,
feed
Correct word choice
and feed
show examples
 people with predominantly frozen
foods
,
foods
 with additives and artificially grown produce that could
also
 be carcinogenic. All of these can make people used to feeding
this
 way in their homes and stop them from investing in rich food sources.
For instance
, ever since
McDonalds
Change noun form
Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
show examples
 introduced fish fingers many h
Submitted by annodunowo on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your position on the matter, while the conclusion should succinctly summarise your argument and reiterate your stance. In this essay, your conclusion was not provided which detracts significantly from the overall structure.
coherence cohesion
Work on developing a more logical flow that naturally guides the reader from one point to the next. This can be achieved by using cohesive devices correctly and structuring paragraphs so that each contains one clear main idea with supporting sentences.
task achievement
It is essential that you address all parts of the task. While you made a clear argument, your essay did not fully address the potential disagreeing perspective that might argue the fast food industry's positive effects. In IELTS essays, covering different viewpoints contributes to a more balanced and complete response.
task achievement
Your essay did well to include examples to support your points but strive to expand on these examples to clearly show how they support your argument. Additionally, try to ensure that your examples are fully relevant and directly tied to the point being made.
task achievement
Remember that the IELTS essay should be a complete piece of writing; that means it must have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. Your essay seems incomplete as it cuts off mid-sentence. Always manage your time effectively to ensure that you can finish your thought and provide a conclusion.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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