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Band 4.5

More and more fathers are taking break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

#fathers #careers #home #care #children #wives #work #parents #time
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More and more
fathers
 decide to resign from their jobs to nurture their
kids
while
 their wives work.
This
 decision is believed to bring more advantages than being a full-time working parent. I totally agree with
this
 statement that
fathers
 should look after their
kids
. The golden age is the period when
kids
 need more affection from their parents.
Fathers
 should have more time for
the
Change the word
their
show examples
kids
 so that their milestones will be achieved. Affection is a fundamental part of
kids
' development, and it should be gained at an early age. By getting
this
 aspect directly from the
fathers
, the
kids
' opportunity to succeed in the future will be guaranteed. Another reason why
this
 is a good decision taken by
fathers
 is the cost of babysitting. In several countries, the payment to put
kids
 in daycare is expensive, and it becomes a burden for parents' budgeting.
This
 condition will lead to stress for the parents.
To sum up
, nowadays,
fathers
 nurture their
kids
 at home
instead
 of working. I totally agree that
this
 trend has two advantages.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear and distinct main idea that is related to the topic. The introduction and conclusion should be more developed to provide a comprehensive overview and strong final thoughts on the argument presented.
task achievement
The essay needs to address the prompt more comprehensively. Cover a wider range of aspects and ensure an equal discussion of both sides of the argument to meet the task requirements fully. The prompt asks for the extent of your agreement or disagreement, which means that a more nuanced response might be appropriate.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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