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Band 5

Some people think that the government should ban dangerous sports.Others say that the society should be allowed to freely participate in any activities of their discuss both sides and give opinion

#people #government #ban #sports #society #activities
In the realm of
sport
, there is a perennial debate revolving around whether
state
Add an article
the state
show examples
 should ban extreme
sports
such
 as MMA or societies can freely do all
sports
 they admire. There are those who think that the government should restrain it because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 dangerousity and lack of contribution.
However
, I am inclined to believe that
people
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 do any
sports
 they want because it is part of
freedom
Correct article usage
the freedom
show examples
 principle. On one hand, it could be argued that extreme activities not only could harm
people
 but
also
 give less contribution to the societies. MMA,
for instance
, could
affect
Verb problem
cause
show examples
 serious injury.
While
Correct word choice
When
show examples
 the player
get
Change the verb form
gets
show examples
 injuries,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should provide him
health
Change preposition
with health
show examples
 facilities. During the treatment, he could not work to live his life.
In addition
, the winner of
MMA
Correct article usage
the MMA
show examples
 competition could not make his nation proud.
On the other hand
, in my opinion,
people
 should not be banned
to do
Change preposition
from doing
show examples
 anything as long as do not disturb others. They have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 freedom to exercise in any method. Self-defense
sport
,
for example
, is not only a legal
sport
 in numerous countries but
also
 part of traditions. In Indonesia, almost every
races
Change to a singular noun
race
show examples
 has certain self-defense
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 and
tradition
Fix the agreement mistake
traditions
show examples
. The athletes
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
 fully awareness that when they
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 injuries, they
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 it because of themselves. Needless to say,
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of
sports
 have many benefits
such
 as boosting boldness, stress release, coping
mechanism
Fix the agreement mistake
mechanisms
show examples
, etc.
As a consequence
, banning certain
sports
 is banning
people
 from good activities. To take everything into account, some
people
 think that dangerous
sports
 should be banned by the regulators because of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 hazard. In
this
 regard, I believe that
people
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 do various
sports
 without any prohibition from their governments.
Submitted by wiwinwindiahadi on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that supporting sentences are directly related to this.
coherence cohesion
Make use of linking words and phrases to improve the flow of your paragraphs and essay overall.
task achievement
Provide concrete examples to support your points; hypothetical examples or well-known facts can make your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Be careful with grammatical accuracy and spelling; persistent errors can detract from the clarity of your writing.
task achievement
Ensure you address all parts of the task and provide a clear opinion; your stance should be apparent throughout your essay.
task achievement
Expand on your ideas to provide a more in-depth analysis; this will allow you to demonstrate a greater range of vocabulary and sentence structures.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • public safety
  • fatalities
  • healthcare costs
  • personal responsibility
  • freedom of choice
  • economic impact
  • tourism
  • sponsorships
  • media coverage
  • revenue
  • cultural significance
  • sense of community
  • physical health
  • mental health
  • stress relief
  • self-esteem
  • regulations
  • safety measures
  • mitigate risks
  • freedom of participation
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