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Band 4.5

Nowadays many people choose to be self-employed, rather than to work for a company or organization. Why might ther be the case? What could be the disadvantages of being self-employed?

#people #work #company #organization #case
Basically, people work for money and self-realization,
However
, some people prefer to be self-employed and others prefer to work for a company or organization. These two options are very different ones and I did not make my choice yet. I think that each of them has its own advantages and disadvantages. Working as an employee brings many benefits. First of all,
one
 can spend more time with her family helping her child do her homework, travelling with the whole family, increasing her family income, etc. Second of all,
one
 has
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
 responsibilities. She just does her
job
 and does not care about
market
Correct article usage
the market
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, competitors and expected profit.
One
 taking a
vocation
Correct your spelling
vacation
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 can forget about all troubles, relax and not worry about who does her
job
 during her absence.
Finally
, an employee can always find a more interesting
job
 with a higher salary.
From
Change preposition
On
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 the other side,
be
Wrong verb form
being
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 self-employed
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 many benefits too. First of all,
one
 knows the more she works the more she gets. Another important reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 being self-employed is independence.
One
 does not have to report to anyone except
one
’s self.
However
,
in addition
 to these practical
benefits
Add a comma
benefits,
show examples
one
 gets more responsibilities to take care of.
To sum up
, I think that
self-employed
Add a missing verb
being self-employed
show examples
 is not
easy
Rephrase
as easy
show examples
 as it may seem. A person must be self-confident, strong, smart and patient. She must know exactly what she wants and be ready to sacrifice all her spare time
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 it. I have a family and at
this
 moment I am not sure that I am ready to sacrifice my time to the
job
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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Task Achievement
The introduction does not adequately paraphrase the task and is slightly off-topic. There needs to be a clearer paraphrasing of the question and a direct approach to the topic at the very start of the essay.
Task Achievement
The main body paragraphs need to address the 'why' and 'disadvantages' of being self-employed more directly. Include specific examples and reasons to underscore the points made.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay's structure has room for improvement. Paragraphs should be more clearly organized, each with a single main idea followed by a supporting explanation. A concluding sentence for each paragraph would enhance clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a lack of a clear conclusion. A conclusive paragraph summarizing the main points discussed and addressing the questions directly should be included for a coherent finish.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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