Many people believe that zoos have no purpose in today’s world and should be closed. What problems do zoos bring? What are the alternatives to zoos if they are closed?
While
zoos
are considered violating
the Change the verb form
to violate
animals
right to freedom and Change noun form
animal's
animals'
weakening
their ability to thrive in the natural environment, I consider Wrong verb form
weaken
safari
as the best replacement of
Change preposition
for
zoos
.
Trapping animals
, who are supposed to live freely in the
nature, into a confined area forbids the Correct article usage
apply
animals
right to freedom. This
fundamental rights relate not only to the mobility of those livesChange the determiner
These
,
but Remove the comma
apply
also
about
the right to reject any performances. Change preposition
to
For example
, Ocean Park has trained dolphines
to bow and twist their bodies in the air. Correct your spelling
dolphins
Nonetheless
, these forced labors
have no choice Replace the word
labourers
to
reject Change preposition
but to
this
kind of requests
as they rely solely on the trainers' Fix the agreement mistake
request
food
.
Other than keeping animals
in the cages, the zoo system also
deteriorates the aniamls'
ability to hunt and survive in the outside world. When the Correct your spelling
animals
animal's
zoos
supply food
, the animals
can be fulfiled
without going through active competitions and hunting exercises. Correct your spelling
fulfilled
As a consequence
, they lose their abilities
to independently meet their Fix the agreement mistake
ability
food
demand. It is not rare to know that elephants in Thailand, once being released, are soon hungry to death.
Therefore
, to alleviate the above-mentioned negative impacts of zoos
, safari
is a significantly better replacement. The set up
of Correct your spelling
set-up
safari
allows Correct article usage
the safari
animals
to live freely in a large area, meanwhile, with little intervention from visitors or trainers. The whole ecosystem within safari
runs normally and maintains the usual Correct article usage
the safari
food
chain. Animals
, as a result
, enjoy their freedom in this
large piece of land.
In conclusion, the inhumane practises
that Correct your spelling
practices
zoos
exhibits
should not be promoted. Respect to all walks of Correct subject-verb agreement
exhibit
lives
should be Fix the agreement mistake
life
upholded
by us. In order to Correct your spelling
upheld
elimiate
the detrimental impacts of Correct your spelling
eliminate
zoos
, people are encouraged to shift from visiting zoos
to safari
for the sake of animal wellbeing.Submitted by ardentpicks on
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coherence cohesion
The essay demonstrates a reasonable ability to present a logical structure, but the ideas can be better organized by ensuring clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph and more explicit transitions between points. To enhance the logical structure, focus on creating a more cohesive flow throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
While an introduction and conclusion are present, they could be improved to more effectively summarize the key points of the essay. Be sure to reiterate the main argument in the conclusion and ensure that the introduction clearly sets out the essay's purpose.
coherence cohesion
The main points are supported, but for a higher score, try to develop your arguments further with a greater variety of detailed examples and explanations. Dig deeper into the implications and consequences of the problems you present, and always tie your reasoning back to the central argument.
task achievement
The response does touch on both the problem of zoos and potential alternatives, but it lacks a complete exploration of the issues at hand. You should aim to cover all parts of the prompt in greater detail, ensuring that you fully address the negative impacts of zoos and discuss a wider range of alternatives.
task achievement
The ideas presented are clear, but the essay would benefit from a more comprehensive approach to the topic. Aim to elaborate on each point and consider different perspectives to enhance the depth and clarity of the essay.
task achievement
When providing examples, be specific and ensure they are wholly relevant to the argument you are making. Using a wider variety of examples can also strengthen your essay by demonstrating a broader understanding of the issues. Always link examples back to the central thesis of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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