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Band 4

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
Nowadays, it has been believed by numerous
people
 that
music
 has become a communication language and
expressing
Wrong verb form
expresses
show examples
 emotion by
people
,
also
music
 has a significant role in bringing different cultures together. In
this
 essay, I will explain why I totally agree with
this
 opinion. To start, in my attitude
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
widespread
Correct article usage
the widespread
show examples
 of technology
people
 can reach every singer's
songs
 as long as they tend to listen,
for example
 by surfing on
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
show examples
 they can download the diversity of
music
that is
 favourited by them,
while
 in past just the native can reach to
songs
 of the singers, considering that, melody help an individual to know other cultures by listening to other nation melodies.
In addition
,
people
 on social media can share their opinion about
songs
 and discuss the
songs
, which help them to communicate with each other.
Furthermore
, singers by providing concerts ,aim to various individuals of
variant
Replace the word
various
show examples
 ages and cultures get together in there, in fact
this
 cause
people
 to hear a common melody that’s their interest and meet each other and make friendships each other.
Moreover
, every melody includes a special sense of a poem and
people
 can express their sense and emotion by sending
songs
 to
people
 like a girl or
boy friend
Correct your spelling
boyfriend
show examples
. In conclusion, it seems to me that
music
 is a powerful tool to cement connections and relationships between
people
 because
music
 is a common language among
people
.
Submitted by sinaazimifar on

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coherence cohesion
Please ensure each paragraph has a central idea that is expanded upon with supporting details. The essay requires more cohesion in linking these ideas effectively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present but can be strengthened with clearer thesis statements and summaries of the main argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Broad statements are present, but they need to be substantiated with precise incidents or data for a higher score.
coherence cohesion
Aim for a clearer progression of ideas throughout the essay, with each paragraph naturally leading into the next through the use of cohesive devices such as linking words and phrases.
task achievement
While your response to the task is adequate, try to delve deeper into the subject by thoroughly addressing the prompt and demonstrating a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Clarify and articulate your ideas more comprehensively. Each point you raise should be sufficiently explained and analyzed within the context of the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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