IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

An increasing number of children are overweight which could result many problems when they grow older both in terms of their health and health care costs. Why do you think so many children are overweight? What could be done to solve this problem?

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It is no doubt true that obesity in childhood leads to serious health problems in future. Personally, I think
this
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 problem is caused by the changing lifestyles of the younger generation. They prefer now sitting at home and playing online games
instead
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 of doing active things with peers and eating junk food. With age, opportunities to get in shape and prevent diseases are reducing.
Therefore
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, it is extremely important to take care of the lifestyle of kids, their activity, eating habits and bad habits. I believe there are many reasons for the fact that the younger generation is overweight now. First of all, most of them pretty often eat junk food,
for instance
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, chips, burgers, french fries, etc. Nowadays, there is a huge diversity of
such
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 food in supermarkets. The second reason, I guess, is the spread of gadgets, computer games and just technologies among children. Nowadays they prefer to stay in front of the computer for hours playing with friends online,
while
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 their parents,
for example
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, spent their whole childhood actively playing outside because of a lack of gadgets,
therefore
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,
such
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 childhood was much healthier. From my point of view, it is very difficult to solve, because every year we face new opportunities to make life easier and less active,
for instance
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, COVID restrictions in 2019 and
then
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 the rapid development of online services and delivery.
Hence
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, the only possibility is more responsible and accurate parents’ attitude to upbringing. It is really important to show a healthy and sporty lifestyle because only personal control for each child can minimize the number of children suffering from obesity. In conclusion, I would like to remind you of the importance of the problem of children’s overweight these days because of many factors. Unfortunately, it is difficult to influence it
overall
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, but each family can control children’s lives and decrease the risks of the problem.

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task achievement
Your response to the prompt shows a fair level of understanding, but it could be improved by more thoroughly addressing both parts of the question, specifically the solutions. Make sure your essay contains a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, each covering different aspects of the topic clearly and comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The essay has some organization, but the ideas could be arranged more logically and cohesively. Use a range of cohesive devices to help structure the essay and connect ideas. Try to include a topic sentence at the beginning of each body paragraph to clearly outline the main idea.
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