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Band 5

It is better for college students to live in schools than live at home with their parents. Do you agree or disagree?

#college #students #schools #home #parents
Many people hold the view that university
students
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in school is better than
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
show examples
 at home with their
parents
. In my point of view, I totally agree with
this
 opinion.
Firstly
,
live
Wrong verb form
living
show examples
 in schools can help
students
 increase their
indepentent
Correct your spelling
independent
 ability and gain more life skills.
Instead
 of depending on their
parents
 to do all the work at home,
students
 in the dormitory have to do everything themselves to support their daily lives
such
 as cooking, cleaning, fixing the furniture,
many
Correct word choice
and many
show examples
 more. Not only that, they have to deal with their problems by themself.
For
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 when get sick,
students
 have to take care
themself
Change preposition
of themself
show examples
 without
parents’s
Correct pronoun usage
their parents’s
show examples
hand
Fix the agreement mistake
hands
show examples
. From those things, the child will be more mature and more resilient in the future. In reality, between the college
students
 who
taked
Correct your spelling
take
taken
 care
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
his
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
parents
 carefully with the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
 who
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
every thing
Correct your spelling
everything
show examples
 by themself, the person who
take
Change the verb form
takes
show examples
 care
themselves
Change preposition
of themselves
show examples
 will have more life skills and be more independent.
On the other hand
,
students
 living in dormitories will be able to make more friends. When
live
Change the verb form
living
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 location that
have amount
Wrong verb form
has a number
show examples
 of people with the same age, same concerns,
same
Correct word choice
and same
show examples
 hobbies
students
 will
be
Verb problem
find it
show examples
 easy to connect with each other. Through that, they can exchange
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
diverse knowledge, confide with each other and make their
students
Change to a genitive case
student's
students'
show examples
 life more memorable and fun. Having more friends
also
 helps
students
 expand their circle of relationships and
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 them more opportunities to study new
interesting
Correct word choice
and interesting
show examples
 things.
A lots
Correct the article-noun agreement
A lot
Lots
show examples
 of people recounted that their time as
students
 in the dormitory was the most interesting and memorable time for them. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the opinion that
students
staying
Wrong verb form
stay
show examples
 at school
instead
 of staying at home with their
parents
, because it helps
students
 develop in many aspects.
Submitted by huyhungvtv on

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task achievement
The essay presents a clear position throughout the response, however, the development of main points is not fully elaborated on with specific examples. Ensure that each idea is expanded upon with clear and relevant examples to support your argument.
coherence cohesion
The organization of the essay is satisfactory with appropriate usage of paragraphs. The essay has an introduction and conclusion which is good, but consider using a wider range of cohesive devices (e.g., however, therefore, furthermore) to link your ideas more clearly. This will help enhance the logical flow of information throughout the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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