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Band 5.5

Some people believe that sport is an essential part of school life for students, while others feel it should be purely optional. Discuss these opposing views and give your own opinion.

#people #sport #part #school #life #students
It is concurred by many believe that physical education should be an integral part of school for
students
;
however
 other oppose the idea and believes it should be up to the student. I largely agree with the first statement as
sports
 help to build mental and emotional balance in
students
.
This
 essay will discuss my viewpoints
along with
 the other side in subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
sports
 should be added as an important subject in
students
' lives.Exercising daily not only boosts confidence but
also
 helps to maintain physical health.
Furthermore
, at a young age, with the help of
sports
 ,
students
 will gain leadership skills and discipline which will be helpful for them in future.
Due to
this
, youngsters started learning to work in teams which helps to inculcate team spirit.and To epitomize,it has been proven many time,
youngsters
Correct word choice
that youngsters
show examples
 who spend more time in
sports
 comes out to have great cognitive and leadership skills.
Thus
 more the exercise, less the depression.
On the contrary
, we should not impose a subject on a student.Rather than asking something against their will, they should be asked their favourite subject.Some
students
 are introverted and don't like playing games.
This
 will not only deteriorate the mental well-being of a student but
also
 make them depressed.
For instance
, In England
Add a comma
,
show examples
it's illegal to force a child to follow
sports
 against their will because it hampers the child's mind.
As a result
, children should have the opportunity to choose the subjects by themselves, it will
boosts
Change the verb form
boost
show examples
 their morale and confidence. In conclusion, having mulled over the aforementioned paragraph
it is clear that
,physical education should be part of
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
 life to help them to learn the
decorem
Correct your spelling
decorum
decor
 and other basic skills of life.
Submitted by rajparul86 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a basic logical structure but could be enhanced with better paragraphing and the use of more sophisticated linking words. The introduction and conclusion are present, but they could be more impactful with stronger thesis statements and summaries of main points. To strengthen the coherence and cohesion of your essay, consider planning your paragraphs around clear central ideas, and ensure each paragraph flows logically to the next with appropriate cohesive devices.
task achievement
You have addressed the task and provided a clear opinion, which is good for task achievement. However, to improve, ensure that you explore all parts of the task more fully. This means discussing both views thoroughly and providing more developed examples to support your points. Additionally, try to present arguments in a more balanced way before providing your opinion to show a comprehensive understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • integral component
  • promote teamwork
  • healthy lifestyle
  • mandatory
  • talents and interests
  • cognitive functions
  • academic performance
  • stress and anxiety
  • physical constraints
  • medical conditions
  • engagement
  • skills development
  • precedence
  • future opportunities
  • balanced approach
  • individual preferences
  • physical education
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