IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Some people think that it would be better for large companies and industries to move to regional areas outside large urban centres. Do you think the advantage outweigh the disadvantages?

#people #companies #industries #move #areas #centres #advantage
"Where should a factory be located?" -
this
 is a question that interests all companies. Some
people
 believe that the regional area is the best place,
this
 opinion has some benefits and disadvantages and will be devoted
this
Change preposition
to this
show examples
 essay.
At the end
 of
this
 essay, I will have written down my opinion.
To begin
 with the positive point of view. First and foremost, the main benefit is low land cost.
Moreover
, many factories produce harmful by-products
such
 as radioactive compounds, carcinogens, and organic or inorganic pollutants
therefore
 a distant location of manufacture has a purpose. Thereby company can save the health of many
people
.
Besides
, the risk of disaster always exists and the fewer
people
 there are, the safer it is.
Additionally
, factories will be convenient for disposing of wastes
such
 as scrab beyond human civilization. The next positive argument is economic consequences. Construction requires direct investments,
for example
, for logistic routes and providing workers. By the end of construction, the whole town will have grown at
this
 place. Many cities of the former USSR were founded in
this
 way. If some
people
 go out of large cities,
this
 will solve the overpopulation problem partly.
Further
, we will consider the negative arguments. The first one is traffic difficulties.
For example
, electrical energy is lost in the process of transportation through copper cords.
Also
, not all workers will accept to live out of their hometown
hence
 we can lose qualified engineers or other professionals. In conclusion, I believe that it is the right thesis because the safety of
people
 is more important than the price of production.
Submitted by andreidiakov2100 on

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task achievement
Consider refining your thesis statement in the introduction to clearly specify your stance. This adds clarity and sets the expectation for the essay.
task achievement
Ensure that all main points are supported by relevant examples. Some arguments, particularly those concerning economic benefits and safety, could be bolstered by specific, concrete examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of ideas between paragraphs. This can be achieved by using more transitional words or phrases. This will help the essay read more smoothly and improve coherence.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that clearly connects to the thesis. This helps maintain focus and guides the reader through your arguments better.
introduction conclusion present
Your conclusion can be made stronger by summarising the main points discussed in the essay before restating your opinion. This reinforces your argument and provides a strong finish.
task achievement
You presented a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages, which shows a comprehensive understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with distinct paragraphs for introduction, body, and conclusion, aiding readability.
task achievement
Some arguments, particularly concerning the safety and health benefits of relocating factories, are quite compelling and well articulated.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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