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Band 5

Some people think that mothers should spend most of their time rasing their family , and therefore the government should support them financially. do you agree or dsagree?

#people #mothers #time #government #support #dsagree
A substantial number of individuals say that
mothers
 have to care about their family by passing an approximate
time
, and because of
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 the government should pay their expenses to
support
 them. To be honest,I do not completely agree with
this
 idea, so as a
woman
Add a comma
woman,
show examples
 I will explain
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some views in
this
 essay . Needless to say
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
in our modern world, a
mother
 has a particular place in society and has special rights and responses as a
woman
 ;
therefore
,when a
woman
 becomes a
mother
 her responsibility increases dramatically;
for example
 , a
woman
 who has a job and make money for the family may spend a lot of her
time
 out of home , yet when she becomes a
mother
 she can not be a breadwinner and has to care of her child at least
while
 it is an infant ;
consequently
, the government should
support
 her financially till the age of adolescence not more. It is crystal clear that women who are active in society and communicate with others are more effective in their families;
however
, if they do not work and take part they can not be updated with the environment; to shed light on
this
, the
mothers
 who have participated in the society can teach and raise their children better than those who are housewives and spend most of their
time
 at home;
hence
, if governments
support
 and pay their expenses,
mothers
 do not feel to need social activities and do not efforts.
To conclude
 , in my opinion
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
raising a family there is no need for a
mother
 to spend most of her
time
 at home,
in other words
 ,should
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
support
mothers
 financially families will become unsociable
finally
 and it is not suitable for a modern planet.
Submitted by sajad.bazdar.2012 on

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coherence cohesion
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coherence cohesion
Work on crafting a more comprehensive introduction and conclusion. Both should clearly state your position and summarise the main points discussed, ensuring they are directly relevant to the essay prompt.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points with specific examples and detailed explanations. Each body paragraph should have a clear main idea, followed by supporting details that are directly relevant to the topic.
task achievement
Expand your response to cover all parts of the prompt thoroughly. Make sure you address each aspect of the question and provide a complete argument that aligns with your stated position throughout the essay.
task achievement
Strive for clarity and depth in presenting your ideas. Ensure that each paragraph conveys a comprehensive idea that directly relates to the topic, encouraging a stronger connection between your reasoning and the question prompt.
task achievement
Incorporate relevant, specific examples that support your position and demonstrate a clear understanding of the topic. Avoid general statements and ensure that the examples used are directly tied to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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