IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people believe that women make better parents than men and that this is why they have the greater role in raising children in most societies. Others claim that men are just as good as women at parenting. Write an essay expressing your point of view. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#people #women #parents #men #role #children #societies #point
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Some people think that
women
have
Verb problem
are
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
more responsible for raising
children
 in the vast
mojority
Correct your spelling
majority
 of communities since they
make
Verb problem
are
show examples
 better
parents
 compared to
men
. Others believe that
men
 can
be have
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 parental skills as
women
. There are some considerable traditional
belives
Correct your spelling
beliefs
show examples
 and
reasonable
Change the word
reasonably
show examples
 different
perspective
Fix the agreement mistake
perspectives
show examples
, I will discuss both sides of
this
attertion
Correct your spelling
attention
assertion
 in
this
 essay. On the one hand, having radical
thinks
Replace the word
thinking
show examples
 can cause
to
Correct pronoun usage
one to
show examples
 believe
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
women
being
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
 better
parents
.
Initially
,
women
 have maternal
instinct
Fix the agreement mistake
instincts
show examples
 founded
scientific
Change preposition
on scientific
show examples
finding
Fix the agreement mistake
findings
show examples
 by scientists from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
birth,
therefore
 being good
parents
 is likely to more possible. They can easily understand their
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 needs even if they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
spoke
Change the verb form
speak
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
infancy, it is critical
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
 to establish
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
relationship
Fix the agreement mistake
relationships
show examples
 with their
parents
.
Moreover
,
womens'
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 skills
are develop
Change the verb form
are developed
show examples
 as
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a parent during the ages.
That is
 why, they act more reliable and protective to not only their
children
 but
also
 every person. They can ease their
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 lives thanks to
this
 temperament.
On the other hand
, some people stant opposite side in
this
 argument.
Firstly
, nowadays, saying
men
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
success
Replace the word
succeed
show examples
to raise
Change preposition
in raising
show examples
Add an article
a child
show examples
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 may lead to
Correct article usage
an icrease
show examples
icrease
Correct your spelling
increase
 the gender discrimination. In the modern era, the
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
majority of
men
 take nearly all
responsibles
Correct your spelling
responsibility
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
 in order to
including
Replace the word
include
show examples
women
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
professional life. The couples often
arranges
Change the verb form
arrange
show examples
 their time equally to allocate parental tasks,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 shows that there are no differences between female and male.
To conclude
, there are opposite two claims with acceptable
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
however
 I believe that
men
 are as good as
women
 make
parents
.
Submitted by ilknurkaradmn on

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coherence cohesion
The essay lacks a clear and logical structure, which causes difficulty in understanding the progression of your ideas. It is important to have a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, each serving a distinct purpose to guide the reader through your argument. Try to introduce the topic and your thesis statement clearly at the beginning. In the body, organize your paragraphs with topic sentences, supporting details, and clear transitions. Conclude with a summary of your argument and a restatement of your position.
task achievement
The essay did not fully respond to the task as it did not provide a balanced discussion on both views or adequate examples from personal experience or knowledge to support your claims. The essay would benefit from focusing on elaborating on each point of view equally and providing specific examples to illustrate your points better. Furthermore, the conclusion should reflect the overall discussion of the essay. Ensure that the conclusion feels complete and provides a sense of closure to the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • nurturing
  • paternal
  • maternal
  • gender roles
  • instincts
  • stereotypes
  • child-rearing
  • co-parenting
  • feminism
  • egalitarian
  • caregiver
  • empathy
  • bonding
  • support system
  • parental leave
  • role model
  • attachment
  • emotional intelligence
  • custody
  • household dynamics
What to do next:
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